Awkward. in Mental Health

I feel like all I’ve ever wanted was to fade into the background, go unnoticed by most, and yet all I’ve ever done is stick out like a sore thumb. People may not think I’m being awkward or acting awkward because, to them, I’m not. To me? I am most definitely almost always feeling painfully (literally, painfully) awkward.

I don’t know what to say sometimes, or how to say things. I don’t know how to express myself verbally or… well, maybe I’m just afraid to. For so long, if I expressed certain feelings, they were immediately invalidated by someone. I was told for so long that every negative thing I thought or felt was just all in my head.

So, I learned to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Hurt feelings? Mouth shut. Face neutral, or out of sight. Fake smile. Don’t let the hurt show. Whatever you do, don’t let the hurt show. The hurt is a powerful weapon to be used against me once I release it from myself. And so many people have done that, taken advantage of an exposed weak spot, that… maybe I’ve built up a wall around the hurt. Because, I mean, it’s all in my head, anyway, right? Might as well board it up in there.

Hurt feelings make me feel weak and stupid and unworthy. They make me so raging angry at myself. I don’t know how to not feel some hurts, how to block them out or not care about them.

I tell myself oh, this is just an old hurt, it’s not valid anymore. But isn’t it? If I’m experiencing something that is dredging up memories of old hurts, well… I mean, that’s no good, right? And some hurts, well, they’re brand new. But all of the hurts are really just some old lens I’m still viewing my world through, right? I mean, I don’t really have to be afraid to say when my feelings are hurt. That’s not right, is it? To hold on to the lens and the mask and the walls and the hurts? For what? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I have to think of every little thing and wonder about ever little thing and evaluate and analyze and obsess and… tear myself to bits… why?

Just another lens that needs to be cleaned off, I suppose.

This is hard. I’m having a hard time. But, I’m maintaining, and that’s what is important.