Unspoken in Mental Health

I have at least 37 random thought-marbles rolling around in my skull at any given moment. Sometimes, they roll by and away, no idea where they get off to, and sometimes they roll around and around, lingering. Sometimes the ones that linger do more than that. Sometimes they grow. I can think other thoughts, but those stubborn ones, they just keep popping back up. They roll around, they grow, and they start bumping other thought-marbles out of the way in an aggressive effort to dominate.

I don’t express probably… I don’t know… 73% of the shit that rolls around in my head. And I’m a pretty expressive person, generally. Oftentimes, I don’t even have control over it. My mouth opens, words fall out, (I try to catch them but it’s impossible), everyone looks shocked, we all have a good laugh. Ohoho, that girl, wow, never know what’s gonna come out of her mouth!

It’s the things I don’t say, though. Those unspoken thought-marbles, and almost always the biggest, most stubborn ones. Yeah, those are the ones I gotta keep inside. Those are the words I can’t go letting just fall out of my mouth, all willy-nilly. Those are the scary thoughts, the questions I don’t really want answers to, the most painful, the most sad, the most self-damaging thoughts. They’re the ones I tear myself to pieces over.

The worst part about those big thought-marbles is that they always come out eventually. Oh yes, and usually in a terrible, tremendous fashion. Those are the words that fall out of my mouth with venom, with flames, with pain and anger and frustration. They explode from me, and always at the worst moment, words flying from my mouth like daggers.

I won’t be that anymore. I won’t allow it. I will not allow myself to destroy myself by destroying someone else with my own hurt and hate and rage. Because that’s all it is, and I see it now, what it’s always been. It’s self destruction. I hurt myself first by not snatching that thought-marble right from my head the very moment I realize that it’s going to be one of those thought-marbles, by not giving it voice and allowing it to be dispelled or dealt with. Holding it in hurts me. And then, I hold it in some more and some more and some more, until it grows too big and becomes uncontrollable, and it emerges in such a way that it hurts not only me but always, always, someone I love. Someone who loves me. It’s like… preemptive hurt. I’ll hurt you first so you can’t hurt me, completely disregarding the fact that the act of hurting someone hurts me. It all comes back around to the question of how I can hurt myself the most.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. Not this part of this person, anyway. I want her to go away with the rest. I want her to stop hurting me.

That’s what it feels like. The thought-marbles. As if they were placed there by someone else. Certainly not by me, why would I think that, oh my gawd. Why would I wonder that? Why can’t I just be? Why is everything a question, why does everything feel so uncertain, so tenuous? Why does everything cause me so much fucking anxiety? And why the fuck do these thought-marbles keep bashing themselves around in my fucking head?

Why can’t I just be enough for myself?