It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve really felt anything strong for anyone. At that time, my boyfriend who was ALL IN, we’re gonna get married, we’ll be engaged by summer, etc. basically disappeared. He was having some conflicting feelings since he was still separating from his wife, and I suspect he just panicked and that was it. He needed some time, and then I never heard from him again (I contacted him like twice and never heard back either).
At that time, I had never felt that way about anyone. Equal partners but still crazy about each other. I was serious about a couple other boyfriends but I always felt like I was talking myself into them, not so much just feeling that connection that makes people say things like “i think he’s the one.” I wasn’t even sure I’d ever have those feelings, and then I did, and then I lost him, and for a while, I was kind of mad that the universe would see fit to give me him at all. How cruel to give you something that makes you feel things you never thought you could feel, only to have it be lost.
I’m 35. I don’t have much time left to meet someone and have the kids I want to have. I told myself 35 would be the year I’d make peace with being alone, and at the end of it maybe start to plan to have a kid myself somehow.
In this year and a half, I’ve consistently dated. I’ve met maybe 7 guys or so? But everyday I’m talking to someone online. Most don’t even materialize into a date. The guy before this one actually liked me, but I felt like we were more friends (and like he wasn’t kissing me or anything so I think that’s reasonable).
I finally met someone I like. He came to visit last weekend. His life is complicated (ex who is still legally his wife, 3 kids), and he’s cautious, which I think is good compared to my ex. But we def enjoyed spending time together. And we’ve talked since then and he does really like me, and he was planning to come back next weekend for the whole weekend.
And then this morning I get a text from his phone number from his sister (who is visiting) asked me to leave him alone, that he’s dealing with a lot, and he needs time to himself and doesn’t need any added stress right now.
I’ve just been a ball of anxiety all day. I didn’t respond, because I’m not trying to talk to the sister. I don’t know if the next time I text, she’ll pick up his phone again and respond. And I only want to talk to him. If that’s what HE wants, that’s one thing. But last night at like midnight he was texting me “what are you doing” so it didn’t SEEM like he thought I was added stress in his life last night.
I don’t want to contact him for now because of this, but I’ve just been having increased heart rate all day, I’m not hungry, I feel sick. I’m trying to not think about it and just meet with my students like usual, and I’m pulling it off because my secretary knows me well and didn’t know something was wrong until I told her. But I’m so uncomfortable! :(
I just hate that this happens when he’s the only person I’ve truly liked in all this time.
Why is finding someone so easy for so many people and impossible for me?
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