5/22/05: The Rave in Victim of Society

On Friday, at around midnight, Matt finally came to pick me up to go to the rave. I was scared but super excited. He told me he just came back from his girlfriends and that she was being a bitch because he told her he had to go to band practice and she was leaving for Canada for a week. So then he said he just left because he didn't want to see her all pissed off. I asked him if he thought he was going to marry her and he started laughing and told me he doubted they were going to stay together for much longer because they are so opposite and that she gets all mad all the time even when he smokes. Then I told him I saw that from the beginning and always wondered why they were together. That would be so weird if they broke up though. So anyways we finally arrive to the rave which is out in Riverside up in the hills. Matt brang 3 pills of E and we each took one and he sold the other one. At first I just took half of one and didn't feel anything so we smoked a bowl and then I told him I wanted to take the other half. Finally things kicked in. I felt like I wanted to hug everyone especially Matt. I felt really cold so Matt gave me his jacket and his scarf and the scarf felt SO good in my hands. Everything was perfect. I swear, it felt like nothing could go wrong and everything in life was perfect and I've never felt so frikin happy. Then me and Matt started holding hands, and hugging and I felt so wanted and loved. And we went in the bed of his truck and just layed there holding eachother looking at the stars which looked like they were moving. And the moon was sooooooooo beautiful it had this blue ring around it. Then Matt rubbed some vapor rub on my chest and it felt soooooo amazing. He asked me if I'd miss him and I said yes. Then I asked if he would miss me and he said yes. He told me this was how every guy should treat a girl because that's what they deserved and I completely understood and felt soo connected and close with him. He told me I was cute and had a good personality and I felt soo happy. Then we went to where all the people were by the DJ and the guys gave me a free light show. And I swear it was sooooooo crazy! All the colors and the designs and I didn't have a care in the world. Me and matt kept rubbing eachothers heads and backs and it felt like as long as I had him there, I felt amazing. I had to keep drinking water, I think I drank like 10 cups so I had to pee out in the bushes a bunch of times and It was weird how I was able to, I thought I'd end up peeing all over myself but I didn't. I did it perfectly. Everything that happened was perfect. Ciggerrettes tasted sooooo good. On E you have this oral fixation thing where you want to chew on gum or make out with people. So I kept having to chew gum and I kissed Matt a few times on his neck and arm. But I knew I couldn't make out with him so I didnt even though I wanted to sooo bad. Time went by so fast that when the sun was about to come up and it was getting light I felt a rush of sadness. Then this annoying girl kept asking me a million questions like "do u like salty or sweet?" "summer or winter?" and I was getting so mad because all I wanted to do was listen to the beautiful music that the DJ's were playing so finally she got the hint and left and Matt came up and put his arm around me and watched the sunrise together. When the sun finally came up over the mountains, all sadness I had at left and I felt immediate happiness. The sun was SOOOO beautiful. It was blinking blue and came up over the mountain so fast. Then we packed up our stuff and said bye to everyone and left. Matt played some Jimi Hendrix and held my hand and everything around us was sooo pretty. The mountains, the sky, the grass. Everything. At that moment I totally loved life. When Matt dropped me off home it was about 7:30 and I went to bed for a lil bit but had to wake up for work at 11. It was so hard to work because people kept telling me what sandwich they wanted and I had to keep saying "what?" "huh?". The day took forever to go by, but finally 3 came and I was off. I went home and slept for another hour but had to get up again for my next job at CPK. When I got there I saw Justin and wanted to give him this hugeeee hug. I kept talking to Craig and Justin. But for some reason I wanted to be close to Justin more then I did with Craig because I felt all these negative vibes from him and I told him and he was like "what the fuck are u talking about?". That's when I realized I don't think I have many feelings for Craig anymore. Doing E was the best decision I've ever made and I'm sooo thankful Matt let me have that experience. I finally realized I don't need Craig, I never felt that happy in my life, and now me and Matt are closer then ever. At work I told Justin I felt safe around him and just wanted to talk to him. And he was like "jeez u are happy today what are u on ecstasy?" and i was like "wtf noooo" hahaha. No one can find out it is just Matt and my secret. Our amazing night together, and our special bond. All I know is that I see life differently now. Whenever I start to feel sad, I think about that night and feel all happy again. I just can't wait to do it again and feel so fucking amazing and like everything is PERFECT.