the fine print in poetry

I mean, it ended badly
it ended very badly, of course
for any relationship to end after enough years
for it to be teenage if it were a person
it has to have ended very badly
like a bitter divorce without the marriage papers to start
but whatever and whatever now, it has been years
there’s been a longish relationship since
a handful of fizzled-out flirtations and second dates since
so much since

still, it ended very badly
oh Christ you don’t even have to know the details
dirty laundry and all that
three sides, yours hers and the truth and all that
and all that and all that and all that
and you blocked each other on social media years ago
and you were so betrayed you’d never take her back
I was, I mean, I was
we change our tenses to distance ourselves from pain in writing
to pretend that it happened to someone else or it’s just
a story wholly made up in your head, in my head
but I’m trying to drop that artifice now
and still

still, sometimes, I check the credits of the movies when I go
I hope to see her name as the costume designer somewhere
or the head of the art department
in the hopes that I can know without ever having to
actually interact with her again because that would be terrible
know that after all the nervous breakdowns and family meddling
know that in the end, she got where she needed to go
that she found herself and her true path not
teaching a subject she hates or as a Long Island housewife
that maybe in the end, the person I shared all that
good and bad with
finally got to shine

I mean, there are mutual friends still I could ask
I could ask but that’s too close to actual contact
that would be invited a drama-tornado into my world
so I don’t do any of that
I just watch the credits and hope
that she found her true north sometime after
it all ended so motherfucking goddamned badly

didn’t see her name in the new Star Wars
didn’t expect to
but I’m sentimental to a fault, I guess
and I hold to my commission
I sit in the theatre and hold my commission
reading the fine print

Last updated January 06, 2018