Question in Random Thoughts
- Nov. 2, 2017, 11:01 a.m.
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- Public
Last night I told Clay that i was going to be and hour + late for the half day Buddhism class we are both taking this upcoming Saturday.
His response was “that’s ok”
This raised my hackles (which doesn’t happen often, but more often with him than anyone else in my life right now).
Here is my thinking: In what scenario do you respond with the statement “that’s ok”?
I forgot to load the dishwasher last night that’s ok
I will pay the rest of what i owe you next week that’s ok
When my (contrarian) response was “Of course it’s ok, I don’t need your permission or anything” (which i know was not a productive way to respond) he was....irritated? confused?
In the moment i did a bad job of explaining why i had an emotional response. He asked me to please recognize and respond to his intention and not his words.....
He also said that when people care about one another they affirm what the other person is saying. (my response was that i don’t need him to affirm that its ok i am late. i don’t need any affirmations about who i am and what i do).
Plus, i really think an affirmation of what i said might look like this: “ok, i’ll see you when you get there” or simply and “ok, thanks for telling me”.
But.... on the (half an hour) drive home i thought it through a bit. Clay has struggled with people misinterpreting him and thinking he is aggressive or domineering. I think this is one example of the way he (unintentionally) communicates that exemplifies what his co-workers and peers experience.
I truly believe that the words you use show who you are, even if it is your unconscious beliefs.
His use of the statement “that’s ok” is something that i believe a man should not use when interacting with anyone where there is a power differential. Not that i feel there is one with us, but more like.... the inherent power white middle class men have and the way they interact with the world with that sense of entitlement and power.
I think if he is more mindful of his word choice, it would change the way people react to him or the way people feel about his style of communication.
I know this may seem like such a little thing....but all the little things are the foundation of who we are.
This is why Clay and i are not working out. I enjoy him intellectually and we have chemistry, but otherwise there are so so many of these small moments that “raise my hackles”
Ha. There is no question yet. I mean to ask… What do you think?
Domino ⋅ November 02, 2017
I think you're massively over-reacting and I feel awfully sorry for him, he must have to walk on eggshells around you.
I often reply "no problem" and my brain which is as critical as you appear to be berates me and I spend half an hour telling myself of course there's no problem, suppose they think there is a problem now? if they then actually pulled me up on it, my heart would break and I'd be horribly embarrassed.
I'm sorry I sound harsh and I only saw you on front page so have no back story. I'm not kidding just answering your question that's what I think.
carmentheblue Domino ⋅ November 02, 2017
Thanks for the feedback!
Domino ⋅ November 02, 2017
Judging not kidding!
Deleted user ⋅ November 02, 2017
I understand where you're coming from to some extent but it does seem like an easy "mistake" to make. Perhaps there's chemistry lacking or something that's making these things irk you a certain way.
carmentheblue Deleted user ⋅ November 02, 2017
It's true. The irksome responses i get have alerted me to the fact that things just won't work out the way he'd like (LTR).
Deleted user ⋅ November 03, 2017
I hate it when you thank some one and they respond, “ No problem” .That raises my hackles even though I know it’s the way most respond these days. I think it’s a personal thing . Someone saying “ That’s ok “ would only seem appropriate to me if you had told them you would meet at a specific time . But that is just me . Otherwise I would have just responded with something like , “ See you then !” Or “ Be safe and will see you when you get here .” Or just “ k” .
WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ November 03, 2017
There seems some irony in your response given it concerns a Buddhist seminar.
I hear, in his "That's ok", that he is 'ok' with it, not that he is judging you. I suspect that there are larger issues regarding the relationship and you may be finding 'reasons' why it is wrong.
carmentheblue WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ November 03, 2017
What you say is true. And not unknown between us. It's good to hear people's feedback.