Happy September everyone! I really can't believe how fast summer flew by, but I am ready for my first New England fall!
Jon and I have our last shift together the day before I leave for California. We are working a function, and then a bunch of us from the Fern might go out to Salem to have some drinks as a "goodbye gathering" with him. I think back to when things first got hot and heavy with us and how infatuated I became. It was like we were always together, working so many shifts together, hanging out after work. And then it just like stopped. We both started to pull away from each other. I miss him a lot, but he is just too horny and most of the time I really do just want to hang out with him as friends. I really hope we can continue to be friends after the Fern, but who knows. Lately when him and I work together we have made out and a few times he will pull his junk out but I just laugh and tell him to stop. I told him if he didn't want to give me what I wanted, to hang out with him as friends, then he certainly wasn't getting what he wanted.
Besides, cheating on Dave is very difficult. I love him so much and he is such a good husband to me that it really makes me feel awful. But I just can't get past the low libido. We finally had sex the other night and it was very boring. I just am starting to feel like I can't get into it with him anymore, knowing he just isn't wanting it badly. It feels very "well we should try to have sex because it's been awhile and we are married" instead of the "omg I am so horny for you please do me now" kind of sex.
I think about all the guys at work and the comments they make towards me. It is in their eyes, they definitely want to fuck me. Larry's words play back in my mind, "Your husband just doesn't get how cute you really are. He is going to lose you one of these days and doesn't even know it." Or Sammy's, "Let's go get drinks some time. You are beyond beautiful."
All I can think of is WHY now when I am married? Guys sure did not seem attracted to me when I was single. I know I had quite a promiscuous background, but why do I still feel like I missed out on living it up while single? I constantly think things like "Hmm I never had sex with a fat guy. I wonder what that is like" or "I never had sex with an older man, I wonder if it is any good?"
Then I think back to my relationship with Eddie. How easy it was to cheat on him all the time. How angry I was with him constantly. How often he lied and cheated on me. It was the worst relationship ever. How did it last so long? What were people thinking when we told them we were moving in together? I wonder how many people rolled their eyes about the idea. And there I was just living in my own little fucked up cocaine world with him. Not giving a shit that he would finish off a bottle of vodka many nights out of the week, black out and get abusive. Not caring that he treated me like shit and lied about everything all the time. I was in that relationship, but I still felt free to do as I pleased because it didn't matter--we were both fucked.
And now I am in this relationship with a loving, caring man and I still want to be free to do my own thing? Maybe I am still fucked.
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