Needing a good cry. Or maybe just a good vacation, I don't know yet. (California in A FEW more days)
I put myself in this position. I act strong. I act like I can walk away, unhurt---careless. More like seemingly careless. Then I hear things...conversations between him and other girls. And I feel the anger brewing inside me. I feel myself walk away wanting to scream. But why? Why do I give a shit!? Makes zero sense. And then I am in my car driving home cursing to myself, arguing with myself, trying to tell myself I don't care. I don't care. Fuck it. I get home....go to the bar. Have a few drinks. Ah, I feel better. I'm fine.
Work today was dead. I was all alone in the grill room. You could hear the buzz of the refrigerator behind the bar. I'm walking around, finding any simple task to occupy my free time. Round to the Jones room and back into the grill room. I look up and there he fucking is. Gorgeous as ever. Coming into the restaurant after a round of golf just to see me. My heart melts a little and he grabs me into his arm. We hold each other and I can't help but feel fucking hurt and sad all over again. He is a pervert. He gropes me. Touches me. Grabs my hand, making sure to touch my wedding band as he sticks my hand near his junk. I pull away. Are you okay?
NO.
Let's go have a smoke.
I want to be friends. Not just coworkers who grope each other now and then. You are leaving. Will I ever see you again? Of course, don't be ridiculous. I want to be more than friends. Grabs my face, kissing me passionately. Telling me he got drunk with V and D the other night. Where was the invite? Oh you were so drunk you were throwing up and had to sleep on the couch? More reassurance. Nothing happened. I'm not sleeping around with anyone. You are the only one. FUCK OFF. I want to see you soon. Friday night. I know. Group of us going out. Will I have my emotions in check? Knowing it could be the last time I ever see this guy. This guy who I should not feel anything at all for. This guy I've made everyone believe I'd never feel anything for. Including him. Now I just need to make myself believe it too and all will be well in the world of Natalie.
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