I need a vacation. I need to get away. I am having a really hard day. All I want to do is go get shitfaced at the bar and forget everything, black out, pass out. But no, I have to be strong blah blah blah. Sobriety fucking sucks. What am I supposed to do days like this when nothing fucking seems to matter anymore??
I can't stand the predicament I'm in. I just want out and I have no escape anymore. But I'm supposed to be a happy, positive person. I'm supposed to change my attitude and look forward to tomorrow. But right now I just can't. I'm down on the ground and I just want someone to pick me up and hug me and tell me it is going to be ok because I'm not feeling hopeful whatsoever.
He talked to me today for the first time chat-wise in a really long time and I mean we literally talked about nothing. What's up? Nothing you? Same. Yeah it's hot here. Yeah same here. Then he went on to tell me about how he spent the whole day puking and shitting because he got so drunk last night. I mean how the fuck does that make me feel? I need to be honest with myself because I couldn't with him. I felt like screaming at him and crying and just saying Justin LET'S PLEASE TALK. There is SO MUCH that needs to be said and we are talking about how you are getting shitfaced the night before and how the weather is!??! I mean COME ON!!!!!!!! I'm going crazy. Fuck deployments. Fuck nasty relationships. There is no way to salvage this shit over the fucking internet. Maybe not even over the phone. How am I ever going to face him when there is so much shit between us that needs to be talked out, sorted out. I don't know. I am just head over heels in love with this guy and I hate myself for it because I want my heart out of his hands..I want to be sane again. I want to give it someone else because I can't continue putting myself through this bullshit. Especially since he obviously just has no clue and doesn't care enough to get a clue. He's a piece of shit. Maybe if I keep reminding myself that every day the fucking butterflies will die and I won't give a shit anymore when his name pops up on facebook live stream. Fuck him fuck him FUCK HIM FOR MAKING ME FEEL AND ACT LIKE A WHINY 13 YEAR OLD GIRL when I am a grown adult. Really, does this tormenting love thing ever end in life?
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