I flunked an in-class assignment on Friday. I was supposed to prepare for it outside of class, but I wasted that time away watching YouTube videos to numb myself. Math class just feels so pointless; they give you exercises and test you on how quickly you can do them, they teach at break-neck speeds as if they only care about pushing people to their limits so they can rank them (instead of caring about learning). I’d easily get top-ish marks if I changed my work ethic to suit speed-practice and somehow got rid of my burning urge to create; I might even top all the math competitions and get to compete internationally. I tried that in middle school, but I couldn’t get rid of the growing urge to create and ended up feeling trapped and suffocated, so I focused on composing instead.
Terence Tao had to drastically change his study habits once he got past the crazily competitive, exam-ridden level of math, so I hope that one day, I’ll find a PhD program desperate enough to take me and I’ll have the upper hand from all that time spent practicing creativity instead of chasing after marks on exams.
Now, I can’t focus on composing and there’s not much room for creativity in the high school math environment. I’m feeling trapped and suffocated again since I have to go through that to become a mathematician, so I try to numb myself. Also, deep down, I don’t feel like I deserve to get what I want (being able to spend huge amounts of time on something creative and be able to pay the bills), so the numbing is for the fear of success too.
I used to be able to make myself feel better by lying down on the grass and staring into the sky while listening to Romantic (as in Romanticism) music and crying everything out (a.k.a. Beethoven Therapy). But I must have numbed myself too much by now.
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