Entries 11
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That can't be!
I checked the list of students from my math class, and my composition class. They have one name in common! I’m going to have to socialise for the first time in years. That makes me really nervous...
But I made a promise…
I made a promise to continually study from Baby Rudin throughout the entire holiday. Making time for creativity is fine, but what I find happening is that when I use that as an excuse and slack o...
MUST CREATE!!!
I’ve been pushing myself to study every day from that goddamn book as much as I can. That’s getting too stressful now. I need to be in good mental health for uni, so I’m going to not worry so muc...
I finished chapter 2 of Baby Rudin
When it was almost the holidays, I promised myself to study from that book at least every other day and see how far I can go. It’s getting quite boring because the end goal of doing that is so fa...
I resolve to make an IRL friend! As long as…
They show up to the math and composition lectures I go to. We all know that socializing feels like a chore if the other person is too different from oneself! I start Uni next year. The “math for ...
Messiaen doesn't sound like crap anymore! :-O
I just listened to some Messiaen after all these years. I’ve listened to him before, but I was really into common-practice music, so it sounded like dissonant, incomprehensible, crap. I’ve also l...
I’ve finished all my exams. I did terrible, but they won’t count the grades, probably because this is the last term of K-12 and everyone’s tired. It actually took a lot of work for me to disassoc...
Alien Minds
It wasn’t long after I fell in love with math. I had just found out about this weird thing called abstract algebra and understood how the different sizes of infinity can be used to prove things a...
Good bye real world
In my head, I know for sure that none of it really matters, but I still feel despair when my parents complain about my grades and cherry pick friends’ children with stellar grades to make me feel...
I only got 6 hours of sleep last night
I spent a few hours typing a response to a friend while constantly getting distracted. The habit of distraction from the internet addiction that came about to fill the hole left by the absence of...
I need a good cry but the tears won't come
I flunked an in-class assignment on Friday. I was supposed to prepare for it outside of class, but I wasted that time away watching YouTube videos to numb myself. Math class just feels so pointle...
Book Description
I’m a mediocre loner from a Chinese biofamily (but I’m not Chinese myself).
As a child, I saw other children being so happy with their friends, so I wanted some of that too. But no matter how hard I try, I just couldn’t connect with people well enough to be that happy about friendship.
When I was 8, I became attracted to the weirdness of science; I would read a book about it whenever I was alone and not doing homework. That was the phase when I loved to learn (the love for science isolated me more and more unfortunately).
When I was 11 or 12, I tried to learn a pop song on the piano… and saw some patterns in the notes of a chord. That’s when I learned how to compose (I already had 2 years of piano lessons before). Composing was so fun that I didn’t care how much I sucked at it and kept composing more music. I tried to learn calculus back then, but it was too late. It was (and still is) the phase when I loved to create (I gradually abandoned science for being uncreative).
I went all out on composing when I was 15 (because I loved it so much); I weaned myself off the need to socialize so I could spend my breaks composing on my laptop. I never found socializing fun anyway, so that was also a part of trying to be myself as exactly as possible. It was the happiest year of my life so far.
The next year, my parents took away the laptop because my grades weren’t good enough for them. I couldn’t compose for a few months but I was reduced to barely functioning.
I vowed to change my love to a creative thing that can’t be taken away easily, and found math. But I’m nowhere near skilled enough to continuously create more and more math until I stop being terrible at it (like I did with music). And I have to keep my grades up to stay in the system because you can’t really pay a mathematician to give you a lesson every week until you have the skills you need to create your own math and fend for yourself in the math industry.
So here I am, still barely functioning because I can’t fulfill my need for creativity with math exercises.
