Party in my Mind in New Beginnings

I did something remarkable for myself last week; I went to a party. A coworker, Renata, left my company for a new position, and she had party at her house to celebrate. I use the word “party” loosely. I suppose maybe ten people were there. She served authentic Brazilian dishes, we played a game similar to Horseshoes called “Cornhole,” and everyone generally spent the evening socializing. I know I can be a bit of a curmudgeon. Some might say that I’m antisocial, I prefer the term self-contained, but I realize I need to interact more. I almost opted to stay in that night as usual, but I had RSVP’d, and I knew this was an opportunity to work on a character flaw.

Man alive, do I need to work on this quirk in moderation! I interacted as much as I could, but I reek at making conversation. I seldom know how to contribute to a conversation, but more aggravatingly, when I do have something to say, I can’t get it in. It’s like the lull in the conversation to allow someone else to add to it doesn’t happen when I finally have something smart, charming, witty, interesting, or relevant to add. What’s even more frustrating is when the opportunity arises, my mind goes blank, and I think of the perfect comment hours later, usually when I’m brushing my teeth.

What’s really unsettling to me is how some of my awkward habits might worsen with time if I don’t address them. When I’m by myself, I don’t notice them, but when someone else is present, I’m sure I look like a mouth frothing loon. For instance, I talk to myself for lack of a better term. More accurately, I think a lot, and sometimes I speak my thoughts out loud. For some reason, doing so allows me to better process my thoughts, and since I’m alone most of the time, I have plenty of time to think, and this behavior goes unchecked until something embarrassing happens like what happened at the party. A couple of other attendees and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking. Eventually, my participation started waning, and they began talking more and more between themselves, and I retreated into my mind. I don’t remember what I was daydreaming about, but I must have started mumbling (or at least mouthing) my thoughts. I snapped back to reality when they noticed and started chuckling. At some point, they had switched back to conversing in their native Brazilian, and they asked if I were trying to guess what they were saying. I came up with a fairly convincing emergency lie and told them I was trying to recall the lyrics to the song that was playing. I then deflected the conversation into how I come from a somewhat musical family, but I was frustrated at how that talent skipped me, which was only a partial lie. At least, I didn’t think of the perfect cover story three hours later.

Another point of interest, a month or two prior to the party, Renata was trying to set me up with one of her friends, Luciana. Her rationale was, “you’d be so cute together because you’re both so shy.” First off, I’m not shy, I’m stoic. Secondly, what would we do? Go out to dinner and not talk to each other? What’s cute about that? Seriously, shyness as she called it is one of those characteristics that doesn’t necessarily work well when two people have it to a large degree. I mean, couples work best when they complement each other; they have enough in common to connect with each other but enough differences so that each one’s strengths offset the other weaknesses. Obviously, I politely declined her offer. Beyond my aforementioned reasoning above, I looked Lucy up on Facebook, and she wasn’t particularly fetching. I hope I wasn’t being shallow, but I couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm at the prospect of taking her out for an evening.

Anyways, I met Luciana at the party, and I can only wonder what Renata was thinking. I can see how Renata would describe her as shy because she was a bit stand offish, but when she did interact, she came off as a bit forceful. Actually, she seemed like she might be a bit of a ball-buster when she gets angry. I wonder if Renata was also thinking that since I come off as kind of passive, I’d be a good match for Luciana since she’s a bit domineering. I know I want to start dating if only to work on my social skills, but stuff like this makes me wonder if any romantic pay off would be worth navigating minefields like this one.

As for now, I’m off for the week of Thanksgiving, and I’m spending it in D.C. with my sister, her family, my brother, and his fiancé. Happy Turkey Day, Everyone!