Tuesday March 29th, 2016 at 3:15 PM
That’s all I really am. My mother does everything and then-some for me and I am just an ungrateful spoiled little brat. I have two sides of me one who doesn’t feel or doesn’t care and one who feels everything and cares for everything unfortunately when my mother needs me most the former side takes over or already had taken over. Like today mother had to go get an MRI or something like that done and I was suppose to take her instead I ended up bitching and she said she would go by herself and not take the anxiety med they gave her I came back later saying I would and even though I apologized both of us are two of the most stubborn people around and she didn’t wake me this morning to take her. Anyway I seem to have 1-3 good days followed by an ok or emotionally numb day and then I slip into depression for a week sometimes longer and when I get to feeling that bad I just forget that it gets better I don’t know why but I do.
The past few days have been great or good I have felt happy and fine and today I don’t feel anything at all. I just exist and that’s it. Yesterday my main xbox account got communication banned for the 2nd time this year because I send hate mail. I cannot control my anger that is the problem and by being diagnosed BPD it says it right there that I cannot medically control my temper and thats my excuse. I have a very short fuse and I get stressed out very very easily. So Instead I created a new account so that I could talk with my friends when we play games F microsoft I have always hated them anyway. The only reason I even have a s box is because that’s what my friends play.
To be honest the only good thing inside of me is my heart, my poor, torn, battered and bruised heart. If I could I would tear it out and sever all emotional strings and I would feel this numbness every day, hour, minute, and second for the rest of my life because I honestly don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel happy, good, joy, fun, sadness, depression I just don’t want to feel anything at all and I don’t want to emotionally connect with anybody because all that ends up happening is I get hurt. Why can’t there be a pill to make me feel emotionally numb all the time? I am going to look up techniques to keep myself emotionally detached from everything. One thing that does bother me though Is my dreams are becoming less vivid and I seem to forget them easier and that sucks.
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