Thursday, March 24th, 2016 8:00 PM
I have been thinking a lot about death and dying again. It just comes up and I started feeling pretty bad and honestly when I die if it is not suicide (don’t worry not planning anything) it will be because at some point my heart will just give out from the extreme depression and weight that is put on it. I still plan on dying my hair black, I don’t know why but I thought that next week was this week and that I was suppose to get paid Friday but it is next Friday and I owe my friend 100 dollars. The middle hundred I will save for a playstation and the last one I will just do what I want with it I guess, I want my hair dyed black and I have had people say it would look but but honestly it’s what I want and I already have dark brown hair. I’ve been doing stuff I shouldn’t with drugs, nothing hardcore but it’s a “should have known better” type of thing. Today I mostly feel ok but I also feel kinda sad and right now I just don’t feel anything. One bump here one bump there I really just don’t care anymore.
I honestly feel that I am just existing and blindly walking through life like I just don’t care. I really do hate my life I guess, I have everything I have to go through. I just hate. I despise getting up in the morning I despise eating but I am still a very large person and I have not weighed myself in a while so I don’t know my exact weight but I am a large person. I go to the gym when I feel good yeah but not as much as I should. When I go to bed at night I just silently wish that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. The only thing I am living for I guess is my mother and she is always sick and that just hurts me more. Yesterday just on impulse I took out my knife and made another line on my arm, very slow and with pressure I pulled the knife across my left arm but after a few minutes I wasn’t satisfied so I put my knife back to work where I left off and made it a little longer. I was disappointed because it didn’t really bleed it just made a scar I could see the blood wanting to come out but not a single drop did so in the end I guess it was for nothing. I’m tired, i want to lay down, I want to lay in my bed and just stare at the ceiling I don’t know. the only time I am ever happy is when I am online playing any game with my friends yeah the ones that end up hurting me but I don’t care anymore.
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