Single or Taken? in The Book Which Will *Hopefully* Contain More Than One Entry

I love and cherish my relationship with B… the good morning texts, the good night phone calls and messages all throughout the day… the spontaneous meet-ups at Starbucks or the grocery store… the occasional visit when either of us is able to sneak away kid-free… but it’s hard to feel like I’m truly in a relationship when it’s all done in secret from our families and I am unable to have any expectations of him. Meaning, I can’t depend on him 100% being able to come see me on my lunch break or even being available to hang out on my days off. He is always with kids and there is always at least one who is sick. It’s not so bad when it’s just the baby- we can still hang out when he has him- but if one of the older ones is home sick from school, there goes any chance of seeing him that day. Friday night he was finally able to come sleep over, for the first time in a month, but had to leave after two hours because his four year old was sick with a high fever and diarrhea so he went to care for him. I get that his kids are a priority- my boys are mine and I love how dedicated of a dad he is- but I’m just getting really tired of not being able to have a ‘real’ relationship. Where we can go out without hiding and I can count on seeing him for more than five minutes at a time. I had hoped when he and his ex are finally settled in their own places and share the kids 50/50 he would have some kidfree time and we could finally spend a few evenings a week together, but it looks like I will have to sneak over there while his kids are in bed because he and his ex are talking about splitting up the kids and switching up every week. Meaning he would have half the kids for half the week, and the other kids the other half of the week. I have no problem with him seeing his kids everyday but I guess I had hoped we would be able to go out on some ‘real’ dates, not just for a quick coffee or to do groceries together. I feel like I sound selfish but I guess I just had different expectations… Our relationship just isn’t like your typical relationship a large part due to the fact that we both have kids. Also he is working on a divorce. His custody agreement will likely change a few times over the next year and I just have to be patient. I’ve been through it so I should know… It’s just hard. I’ve waited a long time to be in a relationship and this is not the kind of relationship I pictured myself in. But I envision us living happily together with all our kids a few years from now and that’s what gives me hope and keeps me with him. I just have to forget about setting a ‘timeline’ for our relationship. We aren’t moving at the pace of a regular relationship. Six months already yet we most definitely have taken some steps back in the last month or so. We spent time like crazy at the beginning but no so much lately and it really frustrates me but I have to let go and accept that it’s just a season in our relationship, it won’t last forever. I can still count on our texts and good night phone calls and that will have to do for now. He tells me all the time that he loves me and that he is working on getting his business settled so that we can be together. We have a special connection and I don’t ever want to diminish that. I must hold on to hope! I need to let go of my expectations right now and just enjoy the moments I get with him. Sigh. So much easier said than done…