Dude. So I ask my Mom to put my stuff outside her place. I go pick it up and I didn’t get the 2 specific things I had asked for. I snapped off and text her. She says how she forgot and I can come get them anytime. At this point, it’s hot as shit and I’m home so I’ll try for another day. Some of the stuff was in a garbage bag that broke as we were going up the stairs so that was fun. I got a ton of my daughter’s clothes that she said wasn’t there. Like okay.
I have since calmed down but I am so tired of dealing with difficult fucking people. Today has honestly sucked. I went to get new glasses where I’m informed that I can’t get them until the 30th. I can’t get my diabetic medication until the 14th so I’m hoping I can make an extra $25 over the weekend so I can use goodrx because I definitely don’t feel comfortable going without it for about 3 weeks total.
I’ve been in my head a lot the last few days and realize that I need to find a better paying job. Even if I got the call for that townhouse, I in no way, shape, or fucking form have the deposit because I spent all my money on my car repairs. I can not keep living like this.
My daughter and I have talked and knows that if I take a different job, I’ll be home later than I am now. I honestly don’t like her being home alone and I know she gets really bored and lonely but unfortunately it’s the best and safest option for now. I wish there was more jobs during the day that paid decent that I can physically/mentally do.
Something’s gotta change. I spend a lot of time on my phone applying for jobs. I am not going to keep living like this. The whole deal of being broke on my days off is absolutely driving me insane. I have credit card debt that I can’t do anything about because of my income and plenty of other bills that are going to collections. Not making enough money makes me feel very inadequate and irresponsible. How the fuck do you have a job and still never have a fucking dime to your name and have to constantly wonder how you are going to pay EVERYTHING!
I used to pay everything long before it was due and even have stuff paid for a couple of months and now I’m right back to paying everything right when it’s due. I’m also pissed that I don’t get CS because I can only do so much by myself! This thing where he just hides to avoid accountability and there’s absolutely nothing anyone can do is enough to make me want to bust something! It’s funny how he’ll threaten me with whatever he can, okay how about you threaten to pay some fucking CS! Threaten to get a job?! Threaten to become a decent human being?!
It sucks that my side hustles have definitely fallen off. I used to absolutely LOVE doing Spark but I refuse to shop for 3 different orders and deliver them for $24! Like are they fucking crazy! I’m sorry that they’ve gotten super greedy but I’m not ever going to be so desperate to take EVEN MORE TIME away from my kid to make shit money that isn’t going to help anyway when gas is expensive as fuck! They seriously want people to just do charity work and I’m not the one!
Grubhub was alright until they decided they don’t pay hourly anymore and you can only schedule 30 minute blocks. So unless you are going to wait around for orders that pay crap and deliver them really far out, it’s not going to work. I refuse to keep doing the most for the bare ass minimum!
My daughter is bored. Her friend has called a couple of times and we’ve played with all her fidgets but I know she’s sick of being home so much. I just wish my Mom could be a better person or even my friend but here we are. It sucks that my daughter is the only to suffer the most. She likes being home alone but she’s also a very social kid that wants people to come around more too.
It’s just hard as a single Mom to have to make so many decisions on your own because the people around you don’t know how to act right. I struggle to have a lot of love or trust for anyone anymore. I’m also really broke and have less than $100 in my account so I honestly pray I make some decent money over the weekend. I am so fucking sick of struggling to make enough for everything. Then, her Dad who has NOTHING going on chooses to not work where he could work any schedule he wanted and could even have 2 jobs but just won’t do it. That’s why it’s almost hilarious all the times he’s wrote me saying how he’s the victim in all this. Um no, you aren’t the victim here and neither am I but you know who is?! Our child who didn’t ask to be brought into this world and have an absolute shit show, thanks to him.
All I know is something’s gotta give. I’m starting to get really discouraged and feeling pretty defeated. I work my ass off and still don’t have shit. I know we’re all in the trenches because life is kicking our asses but my God, I don’t know how much more I can take. I can only make so much money and once I have it, it’s gone straight to a fucking bill, gas, household items. I also have to make money for birthday stuff. I’ve always paid for her birthday on my own and that’s getting really fucking old considering I pay for everything else too!
I also get to start saving for back to school stuff as well. School starts in less than 2 months so I also have to create a budget for that. School supplies, shoes, clothes, backpack and lunchbox. I only wish that motherfucker had any fucking idea what it’s like to not only pay your bills but pay for a child that someone else SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR but isn’t! This deal where he claims to be homeless is disgusting. He’s claimed to be homeless for about a year now and I told her no one is homeless this long. We just don’t wanna worry about having any accountability for CS and yet we get food stamps and free health insurance.
Rest assured, I’ll pay for everything just like I have for almost a decade while he stays playing victim. This is another one of those situations that is never going to change and I’m annoyed at myself that I even get angry about it anymore. You’d think after this long I’d be able to just take it in stride but I’m literally one financial bind from a serious catastrophe. I don’t even know what I’ll do if my car breaks down or something bad happens that requires money because I seriously don’t have it. I also have those credit cards that I’ve now gone into default on and of course, no one is responsible but me.
I’m just having a bad day and hopefully tomorrow is better. I’m right where everyone wanted me which is by myself and on my own which ain’t nothing new. I also gotta have a budget for groceries as well. I’m out of things and need to get more. I honestly am hoping for a miracle at this point.
I’ll figure it out like I always do but the more I’m on my own and the longer it’s like this, the less compassionate I’ll become too. it isn’t fair that people leave you in a bind and they don’t care and they don’t have to. But hopefully I’ll find a better job with a more livable wage and start getting help with my debt. I can’t as of now because my income is too low. It’s sad to work for a company that just refuses to pay more. They don’t care if you’re struggling, just show up everyday and do the work of 3 people while lazy fucks get to stand around and do nothing.
It’s sad when I’m expected to go above and beyond to pick up the slack from people that don’t do a fucking thing. We all need to just roll over and accept that they are also on the clock making money and don’t do shit. I know that I’m already about over it and I’m going to start getting really bitchy with people and not give a fuck if they hate me.
Life is seriously kicking my ass and I’m left with a fuck ton of problems that OTHER PEOPLE helped cause but they’re off the hook.
I’ll do the best I can this weekend and if I come up short, then I come up short. I can only make so much money and I have no control on what I make.
Oh and I haven’t pooped in like 3 days. I keep taking Miralax and it’s not helping. I’m seriously scared I’ll shit my pants or end up with a tear. I eat the right things and drink water so I’m not understanding this.
I think we’re going to lay down. I’m just done for today.
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