So I got the kids dumped off. My daughter wants me to pick her up early today. I got my breakfast sandwich and returned my stuff for Amazon.
I’m starting to think that it truly is time to make a new game plan job wise. I just am struggling with money. I seriously am just not making what I need to and being broke on my days off is really starting to get to me. I’m not thrilled about having to work all day Sunday either. I’m sure it’ll be dead as fuck like it always is and I’ll be away from my daughter all day.
It’s just stressing me out constantly getting texts and emails about old bills and credit cards and I’m making just enough to pay our cell phone bills, rent, car payment and car insurance.
Since getting that brake job, I still haven’t financially recovered. Right now I’m struggling to put gas in my car so I can work on Friday. This is literal bullshit and I’m not going to keep doing it.
I’m going to try and get through this month and go from there. I really do need to apply where my friend works because she makes a good hourly wage and then gets holiday pay and weekend differential.
I need to get my daughter to ride the bus because I don’t want another year of having to get up and take her to school and then wait at least an hour before she gets out of school to pick her up. That was fucking miserable and it would be better if she rode the bus because then she can just get home, let herself in and I’m heading to work.
It’s great that she does have a friend to come over and stay the night some but it’s stressing me out. I struggle to keep food in the house because my daughter eats as much as a full grown adult and then I have another mouth to feed. I try not to get grumpy about it but food is expensive and I can only have so much budget for it.
I’m just enjoying my free time because after today, I won’t get any until Monday. She’s home tomorrow and I don’t know what we’re doing. This thing where I never have any money on my days off really suck. I know that we’re gonna have to go to the store but I don’t have a lot to spend.
Sitting here thinking about how crazy unfair life is and as much as I’m happy to be in a much better spot, it sucks that all the bad shit had to happen. I’m pissed at my Mom and my friend for knowing what we went through and they just had to just add more trauma to the mix. It hurts me that my daughter saw that text on my Mom’s phone about her not having any freedom and she’s always stuck babysitting. I’m pissed that my friend told her she was going to give her a whole bunch of stuff and then didn’t do it.
It’s like people truly don’t care what you’ve already been through and then they want to put you through even more. I seriously don’t get it. If you CHOOSE to help someone, OFFER them help, and then say that they’re being used it has to be some type of mental illness.
I’ve been cleaning up the house and just bagged up laundry and I was thinking about this whole dating thing. I’ve been on my own much of my life and I just don’t really see a point in being with someone. It’s only going to last and be good for so long anyway. It’s like that girl that I work with that’s always chasing men. The last one lived like 60 miles away and I remember telling her we don’t travel for men. She does it anyway, sleeps with him and then he ghosted her.
Like, why the fuck would you waste your time with people? When your single and you have kids you are just wasting your time and time away from your kids, the shit doesn’t go anywhere anyway and just makes you more lonely and then that turns into anger because you wasted your time and effort.
I think once you truly know yourself and understand that you’re better off letting the man make effort, and make more effort than you maybe there’s a chance for something long term. My issue is men run on their own agendas and motives so they want things to move at lightening speed instead of taking the time to actually get to know someone and see if there’s something there.
Even the ones that have their shit together usually don’t want anything long term. I think we’ve all reached the age of divorce and have gotten fucked over that no one really wants a commitment anymore. I think the only ones that really do are going to use the fuck out of you. They want someone that they can move in on or someone to be a step Mom to their fucking kids. I’ve seen PLENTY of this on Facebook dating. Most of them want to find someone lonely and desperate enough to take care of them. I’ve been so many of them that couch surf or live in a camper and want someone that’s going to take them in and put up with being used until they find someone else.
I still have plenty that I’m working on and I’m not going to make space in my life for temporary people or anyone that wants to tear me down. I just want to get this weight off, get my mind right and get my bag up. I don’t appreciate the way I’ve been treated and left to feel like I don’t work, or I don’t do enough. I’m done with back handed comments and people that just want to make me feel like shit. I’m good on my own and that’s what everyone has helped me figure out.
I remember when my friend told me how I don’t do anything anyway and I walked out of her house thinking that was going to be the last fucking time she was going to talk to me that way. If you honestly feel that I’m just this lazy bitch why don’t you stay the absolute fuck away from me. I don’t need it.
I may be a lot of things but lazy isn’t one of them. I’ve worked hard my whole life and I get severely fucked over and finally have the strength to get up and leave and then just take even more from everyone else. It’s just insane how people can know what you went through and still choose to be abusive in some type of way. You really don’t know how long something you’ve said can stay in someone’s mind.
When we came back and we’re homeless, she wanted us to move in. I was thinking about that the other night at work. It went alright for a month with her watching my kid so moving in probably wouldn’t have been a long term thing and I guarantee that would have ended badly and we would have just been homeless again. I didn’t want to live in a place covered in dog hair and smelled of smoke. I also just LOST everything to leave the last place so I wasn’t in a big hurry to risk that happening again.
I am not one to live with other people and I never will again. I also am thankful that the whole thing of her co-signing for my car didn’t happen. I wouldn’t let it happen.
People are incredibly fucked up and you don’t even know just how fucked up until it’s too fucking late and you’re tied in with them. I make it appoint to NEVER get tied in because nothing is forever and I want to be able to make a clean break. When I’m done, I’m done. I can only take so much and I’m quick to move from a situation.
I’m going to get the kid soon. We can sleep in tomorrow morning and I pray that I can. I generally don’t and have the knack of waking up at 5am wide awake so I hope that doesn’t happen tomorrow.
Loading comments...