(Disclaimer- this isn’t a super positive entry and I don’t want to bum anyone out, so feel free to skip.)
I know it’s been a little bit, but sometimes disassociating is how I handle things, healthy or not.
My double mastectomy is on July 20th. I’m losing both boobs, my nipples, the feeling in my boobs, my general sense of faith in the universe and my enthusiasm for life. Cool. It should also be noted that I’ve fallen back into a very depressed state, have been arguing with Matt and numbing myself with Xanax (yes, I got it from my doctor and it’s the lowest dose I can be on, but still. Disassociating and sleeping through this won’t be helpful in the long run and I know that.) I’m also meeting with a psychiatrist who specializes in treating people with cancer next Monday. It’s a service they provide through the hospital, which I think is great. I get 8-12 free sessions, and then they can keep me as a patient or refer me to someone else if necessary. I know I need to talk to someone. The closer I get to the surgery the more scared and sad and angry I get. I also can’t smoke weed right now, so, ya know, the universe just took the one thing making this slightly tolerable.
Love this for me so much. 🙄
Im opting for the double mastectomy because I do not EVER want to go through the trauma of this again, and if I opt for the lumpectomy/radiation, there’s a good chance I’ll have to lose the other breast at some point. The option I’m taking is more natural, too. I’m getting “implants”, but they aren’t actually implants. It’s called a flap and they take fat from your lower stomach! (Which, admittedly, is pretty fucking cool).
Like here- we’re gonna have to take your breasts away, but here’s a tummy tuck. Hope that helps. 👍
I went for the consult with my plastic surgeon- I feel like I should mention that everyone that I saw that works in my plastic surgeons office is so freaking attractive, which makes me feel like I’m in good hands lol.
Anyway, I’m in the room with the surgeon, an intern (also a man) and my husband. In order to see if they can do the flap they have to make sure I have enough stomach fat to pull from. So the surgeon is literally pinching my gut while I’m naked from the waist up in a room full of three men. One of whom I’m married to and who is also the only man in the room NOT touching my breasts or stomach in this scenario.
What the hell even is my life??? 😂
Anyway, I was also only averaging 2 hours of sleep per night- and I’m on mandatory overtime right now, so I need all the sleep I can get, so my doctor gave me Xanax. Given my history with addiction it’s probably not the best idea for me to be taking these right now, but I should be running out by the end of the week and then I should have trazadone that I can try.
So the other day Matt and I decided to take these Cape May-Lewes ferry at sunset so we could watch it on the boat. The weather did NOT cooperate, it was chilly, it was humid, it just felt swampy and gross. And there was literally no sun. I did get some cool lightning shots though, so that was an unexpectedly cool thing. Matt and I also got into a huge fight.
Let me be clear. During this whole shit show, he has been WONDERFUL. And I, for obvious reasons, have been a bit of a see-you-next-Tuesday. I know that I’m a lot to deal with right now, and I’m sure the man can only take so much. But it was a messy argument. We both said some hateful shit. But we were talking it out last night and it’s ok. We’re both just under a fuckton of stress and are dealing with it in our own ways the best we know how. I know we’ll get through it, I feel like neither of us have a lot of patience right now.
We’re planning to go to Ocean City, MD for 2 nights before my surgery. I’m really hoping we can just relax, chill on the beach and get some good us time.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at. Altho honestly, I feel like we’re all going through some fucked up times right now and I really hate that for all of us.
I hope whatever you’re going through, you can at least find something to laugh at today.
❤️
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