Everything is temporary. in Since OD is shutting down....

I ended up going to work early yesterday and it was an alright day I suppose. I honestly started getting tired and was so ready to leave.

My daughter was picked up by her friends Mom and come to find out, the Mom is a lady that used to work at a gas station we used to frequent so that was cool. It sucks that they’re moving soon.

Oh, I also am careful what personal information I talk about on here to protect my privacy. I don’t need anyone who could know me in real life to be reading all my business. When people get too nosy, I block them and have no problem doing so. Everyone only knows what I allow and what I’m comfortable with.

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the weekend and I have decided that all relationships are going to be kept at a distance and other than a couple of my friends, I will no longer be talking about anything too personal or my deep feelings because things have been weaponized too many fucking times.

I think it’s really important to keep a healthy distance with everyone. I have really learned a lot over the past couple of years and I think it’s not always the healthiest thing to be too open about trauma and emotions.

My daughter told me last night in the car that she had a dream about Dad and how he came back and was nice. I told her that yeah that would be great if that happened but even if he did come back, he would only be nice for so long. I told her that I know this isn’t easy and we’ve had so many changes in the past few months and different people in and out but we’re doing fine and whether people stay in our lives or not, we are happy and we will find ones that will stick around and are good for us.

I told her that we aren’t just going to keep anyone around just simply for that reason. If people aren’t treating us right or we don’t like certain things, it’s okay to not hang around with them. I’m honestly just fine doing my own thing and I have no shame to rock alone. I’ve been on my own most of my life and it’s easier and safer that way.

It’s like with my parents. I just used to think that it was just them that liked to sit around and talk shit about me but I think that’s how everyone is. My daughter told me last night that one night she was at my friends house with her headphones on and she heard my friend and her husband talking about me. She straight up said, “everyone talks shit about you” and I think that’s why people have friends is so they have something to talk about. Um, your support system isn’t supposed to talk shit about you. It’s awesome that I went through the absolute worst chapter of my fucking life and people are talking badly about me. I feel that’s just as traumatizing as what I went through honestly.

It’s like why ever open up to anyone? They’re just going to use that as material to gossip. I think when people lack empathy, they have no self awareness at all. I am very upset when I think about the fact that my daughter has probably never heard anyone say a positive thing about me. It doesn’t matter that I’m the parent that stayed, I’m sober, I work and have a good head on my shoulders. I don’t break the law, I do everything I’m supposed to do and yet, nothing positive is said at all.

My life is just that and I don’t need anyone’s approval for how I live it. If you don’t like my job, that’s a you problem. You don’t like where I live? That’s a you problem. You don’t like that I choose to rock alone? That’s fine too. I don’t owe anyone an explanation because none of these fucking people pay my bills or really understand what choices I’ve had.

I truly feel for any single Mom who’s dealt with the same issues I’ve had with childcare. My daughter has been home for 2 weeks and I seriously feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off me. I no longer have to worry about needing anyone. I’m now able to set boundaries and stand up to people without having to stress that if I piss them off, I won’t be able to work. I’m angry at this situation I’ve been in while BD walks around scot free. He has no idea how much all of this has changed my brain chemistry. It’s hard when people are sitting there talking down to you, straight up dehumanizing you and if you say something, you could lose everything you’ve worked your ass for.

That day when my friend told me that I needed to work during the day because “I don’t do anything anyway” is when I started to realize that I need to have my daughter watch herself because I realized that if I don’t change my situation, I’m going to just shut down and completely give up. I honestly couldn’t take how she talked to me and made me feel. I knew I was about to snap off and I kept waking up that night thinking about it and realized that it’s time for my daughter to just be at home. Now, everyone is off the hook and they don’t have to worry about it anymore and I can also just work, pay my bills and not have that added stress.

Another thing. She would ask me the same questions all the time and I think it’s because she was hoping to catch me lying. I felt like all I did was tell her the same things over and over again and it just felt like I had to constantly defend myself. I just don’t get why she wanted to be friends with me if she didn’t believe anything I said to her. I can’t stand being made to feel like a liar when I’m not. Did I have such a compelling story that it needed to be questioned constantly? She would be on the phone with me listening to him scream at me! She saw the videos of him getting in my car after he threatened to wreck it!

I understand now more than ever that people create their own versions of everything. It doesn’t matter what they’ve seen or heard, they make up their own story, apparently.

My BD’s ex test yesterday to wish me a happy father’s day. I have a lot of friends that do that. She asked if me and that one were still together and I told her no. I didn’t say much other than he was emotionally, mentally, and financially abusive and I want to be a woman and not a masculine one. She definitely understood. I haven’t really talked to anyone outside of my circle that I had at the time I left and I’ve had enough space now that I don’t say much at all. I’ll give people a little bit but I don’t go into massive detail simply because I don’t care to. What happened, happened and life goes on.

The biggest thing to keep in mind is people don’t give a fuck about you. People don’t care as much as you think. They have their own lives. Most of the time people just want to gather information so they can have something to run with. People get bored with their own problems so they want to talk about everyone else’s. I remember for the longest time, my Mom NEVER wanted to hear about BD and then after she got back with my Dad, she would ask ALL THE TIME because HE wanted to know.

I plan to do what I’ve always done which is stay in my own lane, stick to myself, and keep a good distance with everyone. Also, people get tired of hearing the drama too. It’s fun for a little bit but after so long, you sound like a broken record. I used to be that person that would completely beat something to death and now, I’ll talk about something but I then let it go. I might mention somebody in passing but I don’t really have like a full blown conversation about one topic anymore.

My Mom is an extremely toxic person and I can honestly say I do not like her. My issues with her just never get resolved and every time I’m back in contact with her, I’m reminded very quickly why I stay away. She is a full blown narc and is a fucking selfish, immature fucking bitch. My daughter was asking about her last night and why she’s the way she is. I told her that she runs hot and cold where she’s helpful and nice but then will become very cruel and then it’s time to take a break for awhile. I truly would be happy to never have anything more to do with her ever again.

This world is full of people who lack emotional intellect, empathy and can’t take any bit of accountability. Once you realize people in your life are like this you can either roll over and accept it or stay the fuck away from them. Either act right or get the fuck away from me. Accountability is a really big deal for me. I know when I fuck up, I have absolutely no problem saying it and taking responsibility. I know that I haven’t always done or said the right thing but I am fully aware of my personality and I can truly say I try to be the absolute best person I can. Even when my friend was being a bitch the other day, I still wrote back and was super firm but made it to where I didn’t say anything that would have made her upset.

I work very hard to handle any issue or falling out with respect. I talk to everyone the way I want to be talked to.

People only want a relationship with you that’s safe for them. If you are trying to hold them accountable for anything they’ve done or how they’ve made you feel, they probably are going to have an issue. I can’t stand dealing with people who can’t ever in the wrong and refuse to accept any accountability for their behavior. I remember about 4 years ago how I realized that this is the exact relationship that my Mother has always wanted with me. It’s never mattered what she’s done to me and the second I have every brought anything up, she loses her motherfucking mind. I think people get so used to treating you like shit that you are supposed to just take it in stride and never consider anything but sweeping it all under the rug.

We all know that narcs hate themselves but I think they attach to people they don’t even like because they like finding whoever they can benefit from and will tolerate their behavior. I don’t think they care about you as a person or what you want but again, it’s all about them.

I think what keeps people stuck is idealizing a fantasy. I know for myself I stayed stuck on what I thought would happen and what I wanted to happen. I was more stuck in fantasy then I was in reality. It took so much to let go of what could have been because of what it was. I realized that I built shit up in my mind so much that I couldn’t let it go. Sometimes people are just shit no matter what. You can feel whatever you want but at the end of the day it doesn’t change the reality of what is.

I’ve spent much of my life chasing the wrong things and I can’t devote any more life energy to doing that. I have a friend that I work with that’s divorced and she’s constantly chasing men. She went to a guys house on Saturday that she hadn’t met in public and I told her I was concerned for her safety. I mean, you just don’t know what can happen. I’m definitely not that brave. I will always meet people in public. I seriously have no trust in other humans at all. Most of them are fucking monsters.

All I know is that everyone in my life got what they wanted. I’m by myself and on my own. Honestly, I wish that I wouldn’t have ever tried to change that. After my friend has said that I used her, it makes me glad that I’ve struggled as much as I have. I’m glad that I went through everything alone. I have dealt with car problems, being a single Mom, paying bills and loneliness on my own and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’d rather struggle and figure everything out on my own then have someone throw it in my face that they’ve helped me or that I’ve used them.

The biggest thing is that any help or support is always going to come with conditions or strings attached. My friend felt that she could make back handed comments and talk to me however she wanted because she had helped me. She started making those comments right after I got back and it just got worse over time. I finally realized that I had enough after she told me that I don’t do anything during the day. That was my final straw. People think they can treat you however they want and you are going to take it forever.

I have always been a very independent person and I’m sorry that I was EVER in a situation where I needed help. It’s like everywhere I turn, there’s another person to be abusive in some way. If people help you, they will find ways to abuse you. I am starting to believe that everyone is abusive in some way. I think some are definitely worse and more obvious about it than others but I definitely understand why a lot of people are by themselves. Either because they are abusive or they’ve been abused.

Last night, I was at work and I work with this guy that’s kinda slow and definitely runs hot and cold. I asked him to go pick up my food and he did. Then, he comes back and throws it down on the counter and stomped outside to go tell the boss who’s sitting in the car about it. I pull up and see him stomp back inside and I’m like oh god. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the night and everyone was talking about it. We all agreed that if he didn’t want to that he should have said no. I now realize that I will not ask him to do anything even if it’s work related. They all know that he’s fucked up and my boss didn’t say anything to me about it but it just pisses me off that someone does something for you and then is mad later.

I think this world has become a very dark, cold, and cruel place. I honestly don’t know if I really like anyone. I trust everyone to a point but I don’t trust anyone completely. I feel like I have to always be protecting myself or my daughter from someone.

I have since showered, straightened up the house, caramelized onions and mushrooms to put on my steak later, and boiled some eggs. I haven’t eaten eggs at all lately and I want to start implementing them into my diet.

It’s been a really nice day just relaxing and getting to sit down and relax. I’m going to pick up the daughter soon and come home for dinner.

I have come to the conclusion that there are just some situations and people that aren’t going to change. I think if there’s things you can’t change, you change the way you look at it.

My little brother is a fucking monster and it’s actually pretty obnoxious that my Mom still takes care of him. He needs to grow the fuck up and become an adult. I think my Mom doesn’t really want him to leave because then she’d have to worry about him and if other people could handle him. He drinks EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and takes anti-depressants. My Mom lets him go weeks if not months without taking a shower. He doesn’t clean, he doesn’t really cook unless it’s for himself and is about as selfish as selfish can be. She’s just let him live off her and I can’t go along with it anymore. He now has a felony for animal cruelty and is on probation but is still allowed to posess animals somehow and basically has had no consequences. Then she wonders why I don’t want him around my daughter. Well, how do we know he wouldn’t harm her and get away with it? I’m sorry but I’m not willing to take that risk.

I remember one night she was telling me she had to work at 5am and said my daughter can just stay there. Um, no I’ll be there at 2am. I told her point blank to her face she would not be alone with him for any amount of time. I am sick of her constantly trying the limits and no matter how many times I’ve expressed my concerns, it just falls on deaf ears. I can’t deal with that anymore. My Mom has always worked very hard to ignore every boundary I’ve laid down especially with my daughter because she just doesn’t think my little brother is a concern. Well, she didn’t think my Dad was either and he touched all us kids.

My Mom is like a narcs dream. It’s like she lives to either ignore behavior or normalize it. I seriously can’t deal with it anymore. I used to get so pissed that my little brother still lives with her but I have accepted that he’s never going to move out. Now that I have made arrangements for my daughter to just stay home, I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone does. It’s no longer something that’s affecting my life. If my Mom seriously wanted him to leave, he wouldn’t still be there. Yeah she bitches about him and everything but she’d rather keep him around so she doesn’t have to worry about him.

I have never believed the story that she couldn’t get him into a program because he had pending charges. Well he doesn’t anymore and he still hasn’t left and there’s no plan for him to. I think my Mom has definitely held all this up or just hasn’t tried hard enough. What about other people with mental problems that have gotten in trouble with the law? What if my Mom wasn’t around? He’d had to go somewhere, right?!

It’s like how she’s told me that she can’t find a man that’s local. Um, there’s 200,000 people here and you can’t find even one to hang around with? It might be kinda hard to find someone that’s going to want to come over and watch her play on her phone. That’s all she’s ever done. That’s all she cares about. Sitting there texting men that live half way around the world and there’s no future in it. She cries around that she’s lonely but could go do anything she wanted. What does she do? Plays on her phone.

She is definitely someone who likes her problems. I’ve suggested all kinds of things but there’s always some excuse why it won’t work. Again, some people are just incapable of change. For me, if I want to go do something I go do it even if I go by myself. I don’t need other people to validate me. I also don’t understand why she didn’t go out before we moved back. She has a lady that she works with that’s always asking her to go out and she doesn’t go but then chose a night when I was at work to RUN TO THE FUCKING BAR! Make it make sense. She litterally called me that night and said, “can’t you just walk out” um no I can’t. I have plenty of bills dipshit! I have never seen a grown ass woman who’s a Mother and a Grandmother act as foolish as her.

I’ve never had a lot of respect for either of my parents and it never takes long to remember why I have the opinions that I do. I remember when she asked me to walk out of my job and that’s the moment I lost all respect for her. She wanted me to throw everything away so she could go drink. I am so thankful that now, everyone can do whatever they want and I don’t have to worry about not paying my bills because of it. They’re all off the fucking hook like they want and honestly, it’s better for everyone.

She definitely played a game that night and nothing mattered by her. I’m pissed that she wanted me to quit my job, ruined my night and even lied to my daughter and told her that I was coming to get her but she didn’t know why. My kid even told me the other day that she had seen the text messages between my Mom and older brother and she knew what was going on. Like did she forget my daughter knows how to read or what? I’m also angry that I had bought food for them that night and my daughter didn’t have the chance to eat any of it and her and my little brother kept it. Again, I got completely fucked that night but to her, it’s not a big deal. I also don’t think I should get over it. I’ve always gotten over it just for all of it to happen again.