We went to the free lunch thing. I had 2 people I work with come, but at different times because one was running late. It wasn’t super exciting but it was nice to get out of the house and go do something. It was kinda odd being there without my ex and the dog. We always went and did that together. I didn’t really feel sad or anything but I had never once even thought to go there until after we met and I can say I do a lot more since. I do like the positive side of things. Just because there was sadness or negative, doesn’t mean you can’t take something good away from it.
We went to Sam’s Club after and stopped by so I could get my paycheck. I’m going to keep checking the app and see if work gets busy and if it does, I’m going to try and go for a little while. I still need to try and make some money towards my car payment because that’s due in a week. I just can’t believe how dead it’s been and I’m seriously starting to think about a new job. I’m not making the money I was when I first came back and I’m definitely seeing it in my account. We got a few things at Sam’s Club and then some stuff at Walmart. I need to try and get cat food later because I completely forgot until we got home. It was just so crazy busy in there and I was trying to rush because I had to get home and get stuff done.
I just think about my Mom and how angry I am that she spent decades with my Dad and made so many mistakes and she’s making the same mistakes with my younger brother. My Mom is a narc’s dream because she tends to ignore their behavior or do everything she can to normalize it. I have never seen someone so blindly stupid and just absolutely doesn’t have any regard for anything anyone says. Again, I understand that my little brother had a terrible childhood but that’s their fault and I refuse to put my daughter in an unsafe situation because she doesn’t want to address his behavior. Even when we got back, he walked around in his underwear in front of her and I just know it happened every time she was there and she didn’t say anything. I just know the only time she did was when I was there and I’d say something to her. Well, if you are only saying something once out of every 5 times, why wouldn’t he continue doing it? I remember sitting there one day and he barged in on her while she was taking a shower and STILL used the toilet! It’s not like he walked in, realized she was taking a shower and then left in a hurry!
I understand that he has mental problems but this shit is above and beyond him just not “knowing” it’s a problem. I can say with him and both my parents, you can tell them something a thousand times, address their behavior until you’re blue in the face and they’ll just keep doing it because they know after so long you’ll just quit wasting your breath! I’ve expressed my concerns over and over and over again and she still acts like it’s the first time I’ve ever said anything!
Even with me telling her a million times that if my daughter were to go to school or her program and tell someone he’s done this shit, I’m going to answer to the authorities. I’ve let her know that if I get a phone call or something, I will absolutely give them her phone number and she can explain why shit is so fucked up. My Mom is truly the root of the problem when it comes to my bio Dad and my little brother. It’s like she doesn’t know how to function without one or both of them dictating to her. I watched how much control my Dad had for DECADES and she finally got rid of him but then, has my little brother who’s just like him but younger.
It’s sad to say that I know my life is so much better without her in it. It’s not uncommon for us to be on the outs and I’ve dealt with it my whole life. Things are always fine until they aren’t and I’ve learned to just accept it. My Mom absolutely runs hot and cold. She’s helpful and nice when she wants to be but once you start addressing things, we go back to not talking. There’s no effective way to communicate because once I start talking about things I’m not comfortable with and the next thing I know, we haven’t spoke in months. She just refuses to have any accountability and it’s maddening. She’s always been that Mom when she wants a relationship with me until I’m trying to communicate or I have an issue with her or my little brother and she can’t handle it.
I’ve spent much of my life not being ALLOWED boundaries and letting shit slide but no one should just get a free pass to treat you however they want and you just keep forgiving and forgetting. My best friend says, “she’s still your Mom” and it’s like yeah IDGAF who it is, I’m not going to keep accepting this forever either! Why does it have to be that way? She was still my Mom when she’s done all these rotten things too and that doesn’t seem to matter!!
So back in May, I was at WORK and she was watching my daughter. She text me an hour into my shift saying that I needed to come get my kid because she was going to the bar with my older brother. She seriously called and asked me to walk out! I was stressing the fuck out big time and thankfully I was able to reach my friend and had her go pick her up. She lives 20 miles out and still did me a solid. I was fucking livid. I was at work and I couldn’t even believe how fucking pissed I was. She said, “sorry but I need a break” and it’s like okay and you pick a night when I’m at fucking work and my kid is already at your house that you need your break?! Again, I could understand if there was an actual reason for my daughter to get picked up like a medical emergency or a car accident but to go to the bar?! She put my job and income on the side lines and even lied to my daughter and said she didn’t know why someone needed to come get her!
Then, the very next day she’s remorseful and apologetic. I let her know that I’m not putting myself in the position for it to happen again and we can arrange for her to come to MY PLACE if she wants to see my child. Then, she turns around and asks how long I’m going to keep my daughter from her. Um, I’ve already explained a thousand times how I don’t want my kid around my little brother and how her house reeks of his BO and how she can come to my house and visit. Well, because she doesn’t like to leave her house, she engineered this shit in her head that now I’m keeping her away?!
These people really do see everything the way it makes sense to them. They seriously can’t fucking handle it when you start laying down boundaries so they make up their own stories that YOU wronged THEM! It’s NEVER them even attempting to understand where you’re coming from at all!
Oh and then her birthday was a couple of weeks ago. Some time had gone by and I hadn’t heard from her. Well I have put her text on mute so that I don’t know when she messages me. She was getting super pushy about coming over on her birthday and I wasn’t checking her messages because it was my night off and I was making dinner for my daughter and myself and was fucking exhausted from work and running all the time and she was all upset and bitching that she spent her birthday by herself. Do we even want to talk about how many fucking birthdays I’ve spent by myself?! Or how many birthdays my daughter just had me?!?!?
The year I was pregnant, I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday alone. I didn’t even hear from any of these fucking people. I usually never even saw other humans on my birthday unless I was at work. My birthday is just another day and I would NEVER be like her and get pushy about people spending it with me. You need to let other people make that effort. I was getting a battery for my car the other day and she called me crying talking about how lonely she is and was crying saying she had walked out of her job. I asked her what she asked me one time which was, “do you need to go to the hospital” and the reason why is because I don’t know how to give what I never got. I never got the love, empathy, compassion or support from her I needed all my life and I don’t know how to give it to her.
There was this one time very early on after I had moved out where I wasn’t in a good place at all and I called my Mom crying and I was very depressed and I just wanted her to come over for a little bit and the response I got was, “do you need to go to the hospital” and I never forgot that. My family is more people that are only family by blood but we’ve never been what a family should be. I’ve learned to just do my own thing and I accept that. I was always by myself and had to create my own circle or hang out by myself. I don’t know how many times I needed help with bills, groceries, car broke down and I had no one.
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