I don’t know what to make of it. My mind seems clearer, calmer, and the world totally serene. More than ever I see things that aren’t there, physically.
I’m surprised by their consistency. Their form. Their feeling of wonder and awe.
I’m surprised by my own reaction as well. When I saw a light, my brain didn’t automatically dismiss it as glare(even though there were no lights), reflection, or a product of my own eyes focusing. Often, when I open my eyes quickly I see lights. Even if I’m in darkness. Outside on a cloudy night, or in a blackout room. I see lights when I open my eyes quickly and have always found that my brain automatically discarded this perception as meaningless. As a product of my eyes adjusting.
But I notice now that my brain is much slower to discard it. Either it’s slower, or I have a more alert awareness. And I catch my brain doing it. I don’t feel fear, or even startled- just warm surprise. Like something I’ve always perceived may not be what I’ve always assumed it was.
Somehow that’s very comforting.
That I am safe enough to think about these assumptions that I’ve “always had” about the world. That maybe the sky isn’t just essentially empty space, except for air and vapor. That the lights and shapes and ethereal auras I see aren’t just reflections, refractions, or somehow glowing in a physical sense. They are glowing. But not physically.
My nervous system is slowly accepting these perceptions as legitimate over time. They’re integrating into my physical brain as something that is real, but not alarming.
I recall the sense of deep distress I felt when I was younger when I would entertain these things. I have always been sensitive. I have always sensed things. But I was all a haywire that I simply could not percieve them without my sense of safety going to shit. I was beside myself. I was too dysregulated.
Now, however I managed to do it… My body has healed. My emotional life has healed. My nervous system has regulated. To whatever extent required to see and accept a lot of perceptions that would have sent me off the deep end, before.
This calmness. This deep acceptance. It’s… Oddly never something that I ever envisioned I would embody. I percieve myself as like a sage; my feeling presence known on a deep level. Beyond physical sense perception. Because that’s where I am, largely-beyind the physical senses. Most of my awareness is here, now. Not that I left theo physical. But in this deeper awareness the physical is known and explained through the other bodies. These other bodies which I sense and see so readily, and I receive feedback from all the time, now. Even when I am listening to physical talk, I am percieving on deeper levels what is being communicated. And my response is based on this far deeper perception. Which most people do not acknowledged exists, let alone accept. And it is all thrown off their award in not the “unconscious”. Nevertheless, it influences them deeply and they can’t understand what invisible forces are tugging them.
Not that this is better. There is no better or worse. It’s just a different layer.
But because of the layering, because of the relative scarcity of knowledge of these layers, it feels like a secret world. The occult world. A hidden world.
It is a mistake to assume that one is better for having access to it. I am not more human now, and was no less human having thrown it off. I am the same human being either way. No value has changed. But my experience is different. My available conscious awareness is expanded. I have more access. More resources. More insight.
Life is a trip.
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