So it’s been over a month since I’ve been on here because I’ve been so busy and my laptop is struggling to open Google. I need a new one but there’s no budget for that.
There’s been plenty of changes since I wrote last. Okay so first of all, my Mom decided a little over a month ago that she needed to run to the bar with my older brother an hour after I got to work and was asking me to walk out so I could pick up my kid so she could go. Well, I happened to call my friend and she went and got her.
Then my friend watched her up until last week when our friendship hit the bottom because she kept offering my daughter and I everything but the sun and didn’t follow through but then would say how I was using her. I thought about all of this super hard over the weekend and realized I didn’t want my daughter at her house anymore and I picked up my daughter early last week and she told me she didn’t want to go there anymore.
My daughter has been put in one shit situation after another and finding a sitter at night and on weekends is like finding a needle in a fucking haystack so she now watches herself. There’s cameras all over, my neighbor checks in with her. She has a phone, laptop, 2 tv’s, internet, and plenty to do to keep busy. I originally was going to just quit my job but then my daughter and I had a conversation and she’s been telling me that she wants to just stay home.
I knew once we got back and into our own place, that I should have talked to my daughter about just being at home but I think after everything that’s happened, it’s made her transition to watching herself that much easier. It’s not safe for her to be at my Mom’s because my little brother who’s 31 has walked around in his underwear in front of her and has barged in the bathroom when she’s been in there. My Mom doesn’t think that any of this is a huge deal but I certainly do. I understand that he’s slow and blah blah blah but I can’t have my daughter around that type of behavior.
My friend, that’s another discussion. Her and her husband smoke cigs and pot inside their house and it fucking reeks. I wanted to die every time I was there and felt like the worst Mom on the fucking planet leaving my kid with them. My friend’s kids were mean to her and her son actually tried to push her down their stairs several times. I remember when I’d be there and she’d address her son’s behavior in front of me so I assumed she did when I wasn’t there and my daughter has definitely told me otherwise.
I realize now more than ever that I need to take a time out to reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and work on myself. Everything in life is temporary. People show up until they don’t, they care until they don’t, and don’t hold on too tightly to anyone or anything because feelings change everyday. I also understand that you will never get a narc to admit in their wrong doings and no matter what they do, you need to realize just what kind of person they are and if they do it once, they’ll surely do it again. With narcs, it doesn’t matter what they do to you, how they make you feel or what you’ve already been through.
Now that I no longer need a sitter, I can have the relationship with everyone that I want and what I’m comfortable with. I no longer have to feel obligated to hang around with anyone or be in regular contact. I also think you get to have much healthier relationships with people when you don’t need anything from them. I think both my Mom and my friend abused their power with me by watching my kid and they definitely used her to have me where they wanted me.
I remember a couple of weeks ago when I went to my friends house to drop off my kid before going to work and she made a big ole stink out of my daughter spending the night and how she wanted me to go out and do something after work and right at the time I was to get off, she was texting me asking if I was about on my way. Um, didn’t you just say before I left that you wanted my daughter to spend the fucking night?! I remember texting back saying yes and all I could think in my head was how I was glad that I didn’t make plans or have my heart set on going out!
Just this past week of my daughter staying home, I have reached a whole new level of freedom and peace not dealing with all the added bullshit of needing someone to watch her. I also realize that now I get to have my boundaries and don’t have to just sit there while people talk down to me and say really disrespectful things and take it because I felt like if I would have stood up for myself, then I risk pissing them off and then they decide to not watch my daughter anymore. I honestly feel just in the past week that my mental health has greatly improved because I don’t need anyone anymore.
When you realize that you spend more time worrying about having a sitter, where your child is and who they are around, it’s time to make a new game plan. I worried more about all of this then I did about my job! I remember what made me realize that I didn’t want my friend watching her anymore is because last weekend she said something to me about how I needed to find a job working during the day because “you don’t do anything anyway” and I remember coming home that night and woke up like 4 times thinking about that and realizing that she doesn’t want to watch my daughter anymore and I’m not going to change my work schedule or just get a new fucking job all together to please her! I lost everything and I’m not giving up my job too!
It’s just crazy how people want to run your life, especially if they watch your kid. Well, I’m doing just fine now and I will make all of my own fucking decisions. I am a grown ass woman and no one is going to tell me what to do. I will decide my life and my future and I don’t need help doing so. I’m finally back home and I’m back at my job and I’m not leaving there until I decide to.
I can honestly say it’s been years since I’ve taken a nap and I don’t remember the last time I’ve slept past 6 am. I do plenty during the day such as get my daughter and myself to appointments, run errands, do my side hustle, clean and do laundry. There is never a time that I’m doing NOTHING during the day. I just don’t appreciate someone making their own assumptions. Every time she’s called during the day, I’m either cleaning, doing laundry, running errands or I’m at an appointment. I completely understand that people have their own perception of things but they don’t need to put that on me.
Currently, I picked up my daughter and I’m cooking steak for dinner. My eating habits have improved since I moved home. I eat a lot more veggies, meat, salad and fruit now. I completely enjoy being so much more in control of my life and my finances. I have lost 42 pounds. I have wrinkles in my double chin, my rings are loose and spin, I’ve dropped 3 pant sizes and I overall just feel so much better. It’s still difficult buying clothes because even though I know I’m smaller, I still am tempted to get the sizes I’ve been for so long.
When I first came back, I spent much of my time thinking about how much I lost but I realize how much I’ve gained. The biggest thing is I feel like me again. I got my spark back. I’m not just existing day to day, I’m actually living. I wake up happy. I am paying bills in full and on time. I don’t have anyone threatening me or calling me names. I bounced back way faster than I thought I would.
I need to forgive myself for not knowing what only time could teach. None of us have a crystal ball and don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring but I can say once you feel something is off, leave. Never again will I stick around waiting for something to get better. If it’s shit, throw dirt on it and walk away. If things are good they will stay that way. I will never again wait around for someone to treat me better. No, once you start getting treated like shit, there’s a better chance of it getting worse before it gets better.
My daughter has asked me about my friend offering stuff and then not following through and I told her that sometimes people’s actions don’t match their words. I have become very transparent over the years with her. I am not going to lie or make excuses for anyone anymore. It’s bullshit when people fuck up and I’m to sugarcoat it. I don’t do that anymore. It’s bullshit that my friend knows my daughter’s real Dad isn’t around, doesn’t pay CS and her step Dad was an alcoholic that used the shit out of me and STILL thought it was good to tell my daughter she was going to get her Roblox gift cards amongst a laundry list of shit and then didn’t do it.
I also told my daughter that unless it’s your birthday or Christmas, we shouldn’t accept anything from people. I was even telling my best friend all this today and she agreed. Unless people are offering and you tell them how you appreciate it but you don’t feel right taking stuff, I think it’s important to set boundaries. I am very angry that I was in a tough spot and accepted the help but I never will again. In the future, I don’t plan to take anything from anyone for any fucking reason. I survived decades by myself and I managed. Even if I struggled, I still took care of everything by myself and I will NEVER again take anything from people. I have literally developed a complex now.
After talking to everyone about this situation and even researched it online, I have realized that her offering stuff and trying to do stuff is to rewire my boundaries and to create a control imbalance. I think even if we talk again, we need to not have the kind of friendship where we are ever around each other. I will tell her that we can call each other, we can text but I plan to keep a very safe appropriate distance. The dynamic of our friendship is absolutely toxic and I don’t need another toxic situation after escaping one.
It’s so nice to have a day off. After I work all weekend, by Sunday I am completely fucking zapped. I still worked this morning for 4 hours but I had to pay for brakes on Saturday which wiped me out. I had just enough in my account this morning to pay my internet bill. I was very upset at how much the bill was but I also feel grateful that I still have my car and had the money to pay for it.
I will say that when I left before, everything was so broken and I hated it here. After everything I went through for 6 months, I have a new outlook on being home and how grateful I am that I can honestly say that I’m okay. Sometimes you have to go through a lot of bad days because then you can see the good days and just HOW GOOD they really are. Things don’t get to me like they used to and I have a much better attitude about my life and it feels good to say that I’m happy and so is my daughter.
I am grateful for absolutely everything. I’m grateful for even the bad experiences because I have a much greater appreciation for all the good ones. It’s nice to say that I can breathe and not feel like the weight of the world is crushing my lungs. I spent 6 months feeling like I was breathing and drowning at the same time. I had never felt more alone or depressed in my life and I will never allow myself to be in a position to ever feel that again.
There’s so many women on TIk Tok that are totally content with being single and living alone. I don’t know if I ever really was but I definitely feel that now. I do want to find someone again one day but I’m in no rush and I want it to just happen naturally. In today’s world, dating sucks and you just don’t know how things are going to go or what to expect. It would be nice to have a friend to do lunch with or go shoot pool with sometimes. I’m not in any hurry to be in a committed relationship or cohabitate with someone again. I want to find me again and I just want to work on myself.
Most of the people I work with don’t have friends and are okay with that. I get it. I have spent a lot of time being friends with the wrong people and now, I’m good with my 2 friends that are long distance. I just want to keep paying my bills, get my bread up and maybe plan to move somewhere new. It’s nice to be back home but things are still pretty broken with the people related to me and now that my daughter takes care of herself when I’m at work, I don’t have to be reliant on a sitter so I can go anywhere.
Since losing weight, mentally I’m different. I know my taste in men has changed. I think with every experience good or bad, your mindset changes. I like that I’m a lot more laid back and don’t get upset over stupid shit anymore. I don’t spent much time dwelling in hurt, anger or pain. I do let myself process everything but honestly I don’t have a lot of time to stew on anything and I’m grateful for that.
Loading comments...