When I unfollowed my dreams, I started chasing boys instead
Disckstraction
I hurt myself again. It was another melancholy Monday. I had a moment of clarity, eventually. I am dickstracting myself with these boys. I deleted my socials from my phone. My emotional bandwidth was going into: who’s replying? Who’s interested? Who’s drifting away? Whether something is building with someone, etc. I hate who I become when it comes to guys. I’m never chosen, and I take it so personally.
It was a breath of fresh air being free from checking my phone today. That quieted down, sure, but does my mind keep that space empty? Of course not. Workstraction filled that void. Unresolved work stuff is now front and centre. Of course, it hits me at 2 AM. I was radically busy today at work and didn’t get a chance to even check my emails, let alone sit and think about anything.
The guy stuff hurts, yes, but the work stuff matters.
I went into work early and got called into a workshop immediately by my boss’s boss. My boss forgot about it. Long story short, my boss’s boss told me that she is going to borrow me next Wednesday to help cover daycare. I tried to get my boss to explain to her how I am not doing that, and he wasn’t too interested in getting in the middle of it. He’s middle management! Get into it! I’m on a PIP, and I can’t break that chain of command.
I went half a year running my program alone because they failed to staff it. Nobody lent me anyone. My youth suffered. When our presence shrinks, they feel it. Now I am fully staffed and ready to deliver, and they keep taking away my resources. This wouldn’t be so menacing if it weren’t for the fact that my coordinator’s other program is fully staffed and does nothing 3 days a week. Literally. They run their program twice a week and do nothing for the rest of it. They drag the rest of us down. I have to share a coordinator with them, whom I just boss around to push paperwork and deal with upper management.
Blah blah blah. I don’t want to keep going. My mind is just doing that thing where it is role-playing all the conversations I need to have. Now I’m flustered.
I could try to gaslight myself with some toxic positivity. My program has so much to offer that everyone comes to me for everything. But where do you see yourself in five years? If I’m still with my NPO, I want my boss’s boss’s job. She is spread too thin. She can’t keep up, and I know I can. She is a stranger to my youth, unlike the last three people who had her role. She couldn’t explain what our programs are and what we do if her life depended on it. This is because she also has to oversee daycare, & education, and the drop-in centre and their leaders are critically codependent. We can’t even get five minutes with her without one of them banging on the door for attention. The solution is so simple, though not easy, but develop your team leaders! Jesus fuck. Stop holding their hands through everything. The youth programs, which I am a part of, are self-sufficient. We had no choice, mind you. Before we all moved back together, the youth programs ran without management when the new Executive Director fired them all.
Ugh, now I feel mean-spirited. I’d better go try and sleep some more. I went to bed early so I could wake up at my favourite hour (5 AM), but woke up from a bad dream.
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