it’s been four weeks to the day since I was diagnosed and I gotta say, this has been without question, the WEIRDEST month of my entire life. I’ve experienced every emotion that ever existed, I’ve learned a lot, I’ve reconnected with some old friends, and I’ve received a ton of support. As far as all that goes, everything has been absolutely wonderful and I genuinely feel supported and cared for, which is going to be huge in getting through this. I know that. and I realize that I’m one of the lucky ones. this could be so much worse, and I am truly grateful that I seem to be a far better scenario than most people imagine when they first hear that they have cancer.
but at the same time, I’m so fucking sad.
literally- I cry every goddamn day. Usually only once, but still. And thankfully, I’m not sad all day every day. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but for the most part, I can usually force the bad thoughts out of my brain long enough to function at work, or get through interacting with friends, running errands, etc. I think if I had more “symptoms”, I’d probably feel worse.
but man.... sometimes I have these moments where the enormity and the gravity of the situation just hits me with a super intense emotional sucker punch. in those moments, its all I can do to get from one minute to the next until I have some privacy and can get away with a private mini breakdown, if necessary. Like sometimes I just cant force those bad thoughts to the back of my brain. I know I’m not doing myself any favors, but sometimes I can’t help it. I have thoughts like:
what if I do end up needing chemo?
What if I opt for the lumpectomy and they aren’t able to get it all and they need to do another excision?
what if this comes back somewhere else and is more aggressive?
What if I opt for a mastectomy and they fuck it up? Or what if the scars make my boobs look super ugly and deformed?
what are the side effects of the hormone blockers? (I’m ER+HER2- so I’ll likely need a hormone blocker. I think- if anyone knows, please correct me if I’m wrong!)
The other day I was walking with one of my coworkers, we were talking about how tired we were. I made some joke like I can sleep anywhere and even though it’s loud in the warehouse, I could probably find a way to take a nap. Then I said I’d likely be that old lady that falls asleep in random places. Then about 15 seconds later I had a really somber thought- I hope I get to be an old lady.
I had someone on a breast cancer FB page post this thing about how if you got the Covid Pfizer vaccine, your chances of breast cancer increased 487%. OMFG. Bitch, PLEASE take off that tinfoil hat.
Shit like that really pisses me off. This is a crappy enough situation as is, lets not add that to the equation and make it worse.
I can’t help but wonder what I’m supposed to getting out of this. But I can’t force personal growth or life lessons, I just have to be patient and try to really experience each moment as it comes, and being patient is a life area in which I fall short. Reaallllllly short. I’m probably one of the least patient people I’ve ever known.
I think when I’m feeling this way I just need to cut myself some slack, sit with the heaviness and just let myself be sad. So often I try to just rush through whatever so I don’t have to deal with it anymore, and obviously I can’t do that here.
I just hate that there’s going to be so much change involved in this process. I hate change and I don’t usually handle it very well.
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