If he doesn’t know your worth, he ain’t worth it.
I got my feelings hurt yesterday. I was “stood up” by Rostlav. He left me hanging, and he probably didn’t mean to, but it stung anyway. Which is confusing. I shouldn’t be hurt. I must have some feelings for this guy. He belongs to someone else. I knew the score. He is in an open relationship.
I brought this up to someone, and he told me that if he doesn’t know your worth, he isn’t worth it. I really took that to the bank and internalized it. Maybe I don’t know my worth? I’m not a person with feelings to these Grindr people. Just a person with a big c*ck. I’ve been single use. The guy who brought this up thinks I’m funny, kind, and handsome, and should be winning at life. I’m not. It doesn’t get you anything.
It was just a small surface wound, but it festered and got deep. Rost triggered a reality check. Life slapped me in the face in February, and I was using Grindr as a nice distraction. I used to believe I was better than that. It’s just a bunch of broken boys who don’t know how to love themselves. It’s just been pretty toxic. I’ve been the toxic one to people there, too.
I don’t have anybody on my side. Nobody who will care when I am sad. I carry all the little relationships that I have. I nuked my socials. I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram. Once my subscription is up, I will delete Grindr. I should be focusing on myself right now anyway.
I am revoking my personality privileges from everyone. I am also very cross with my roommate. Even though my plans fell through, she still refused to organize her day to give me privacy. I refuse to talk or even look at her right now.
I took today off work. I have 5 weeks worth of time off banked. I’m giving myself a day to adjust to my new normal. I am currently without a car, so I am trapped at home. It’s just in the shop. I really need to be with myself today and work on that relationship, so to speak. I’ve been letting so much pile up.
I watched the Kylie Minogue documentary series on Netflix with my roommate last week. Someone described Kylie as someone who loves life. I want to love life. I want to wake up and be excited about life. It’s just been me waking up feeling like I have to fight to survive.
And I miss Rost already.
I’m going to try to find a way to enjoy life today.
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