Let me preface what I am about to type with: I love being a mom. I know what I signing up for when I did this. I am not one of those people that is woe as me why did I have kids. I knew and know exactly how life changing this was going to be. That is not my current problem. My current problem, I don’t know how to balance things out to find myself. When you have your first child and you continue to have little ones that are not in school. Your whole life revolves around them, and obviously so. They are small and derp and can’t do shit without you. But then something happens.
They go to school (for those that don’t home school) and they learn to be away from you. To function without you. And this is great! This is fantastic! I send thank you cards and gift cards to bars to every teacher that has had my children every year, and Christmas presents when I can! I love these people and I appreciate them wholeheartedly. That being said, when they go to school and learn to function as an individual, for some moms not all, when the last little one is in school all day in kinder, you find yourself…kind a lost.
You’ve gone from dedicating yourself, thinking about, living for your little ones and in so, you lost yourself. Again, this happens to some, not all. I am aware of that. But I am that some. I gave myself so fully, so profoundly into motherhood that I stopped taking care of myself, stopped doing the hobbies I loved, stopped being myself. I forgot how to be a wife. I forgot who that woman was that my husband fell in love with. I forgot who that woman was laughing and smiling in pictures from dates and concerts in the past. I put myself on hold for so long that I don’t know how to take myself off hold.
I genuinely don’t know how to balance life anymore. My children don’t need me to change their clothes, bathe them, spoon feed them, change diapers, coordinate nap times etc. I now have some time during the day, and instead of doing something I really love I find myself filling it with tasks. I need to keep busy because there can be no silence. Lest I remember that I forgot who I am, and that I don’t know how to get her back.
Existential crisis much?
It gets better.
Not only am I questioning who I am, but in because of not knowing, I also question my value as a person, and from there I spiral into depression and etc. Because I don’t know myself fundamentally, how can I know myself in any other respect? Wife, woman, evolving mother… All of these roles are adaptive. I need to be able to change and grow within them, but I can’t. I find myself stuck.
I want answers to these questions, but how do I get them? I am already starting therapy, but what more can I do? Lemme know your thoughts.
Loading comments...