That should be my handle. I might claim that actually. It’s pretty good.
Do I did this healing questions app today. It was really good. Nothing I hadn’t uncovered, before, except for that last little bit which was super important. It took me right to the cure of my fear of what I can’t seem able to stop dismissing people who were judgemental or disapproving. Because I was beaten whenever I was around my judgemental, disapproving Dad. I was terrified, and so I became silent, and avoidant of those people. Unconsciously. It was just an unconscious assumption. So the questions to me back there. What did I have to believe about myself for that too be true? That the judgement meant being beaten. Was that my fault?
I paused there. Because it seemed like a non-sequiter. Why does that matter? That was what happened. Judgement. Disapproval. Beating. What does fault have to do with it? But I said no. And then THEN it asked, what would I have needed to hear to know that it wasn’t my fault?
And man. I burst out in tears. I felt intense pain and the answer wasright there; it was so obvious and tangible. I almost couldn’t believe that no one had ever said to me those simple words. “I see you, and I love you.”
And I kid you not, the unconscious pattern is GONE. It is gone.
Parts with never felt that intense. This is something else.
In other news. I have delved even deeper into Human Design. This is something else that I find truly fascinating and it keeps me interested because the insights are so damned accurate. It’s a little weird. Every gate and channel describes something that I know, and already knew about myself, and never had the definitive description to articulate. It makes my experience seem more real.
And maybe some people don’t need that. But I do. I don’t really think I’m actually supposed to be just feeling my feelings in isolation, other than just to decondition or heal. Because I can’t learn anything. I can’t actually percieve myself, I don’t think. I’m so oriented toward the other; I can only see myself at all as a reflection in the other person. It explains why, when I’m told to feel my sadness-it flutters away. When I’m told to feel my fear - I don’t have access to it. I DO feel, or can feel, those emotions that are stuck in me from trauma and haven’t been discharged. But just day-to-day emotions? They did not come up consistently or at my call. Even traumatic stories sometimes do not elicit the emotion.
Wheress, I have complete, strong, and sharp focus on my body sensations. I have that Gate 44 which is part of my incarnation cross actually, that is historical pattern recognition in real time. And, I don’t know how it works and I didn’t claim to. I don’t take credit for it. It just happens. But I have always had the experience of just knowing stuff about people. This ability to know about people-their history, patterns, whether they’re a good or bad fit for my tribe/family- is actually a gift for the tribe/family. Because it’s designed to guide how people can create a better life than the past mistakes, and convince and motivate them to do it through persuasive storytelling. That’s a gift to the tribe. It’s not like a great personal attribute. And it might even be a personal detriment because what I know is bothersome to me, and it really can get me in trouble when it’s not used for some purpose. Like, knowing stuff isn’t a value, it’s a liability, until it produces value.
All of my channels are for the group. And So many of my Gates are projected. Meaning, they’re not internally triggered. This other gate 18 is an example- it only activates when recognizing systemic imperfections. The system needs to be there already for it to come online.
I have only a few individual or sensing/knowing gates.
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