Guys, I’ve been eating like absolute shit as a coping mechanism and that’s not the smartest thing to do. Like so far today I’ve had a large caramel latte, a giant cookie, some chewy nerds and a Milky Way. Oh- and a king size Kit Kat.
The fuck is wrong with me???
It’s better than finding pills to take or drinking, sure, but … now is not the time to be overloading on sugar. Altho- for the sake of finding silver linings, other than the latte I’ve stuck to water, no soda. But still. I should be leaning more towards healthier choices.
That’s my rant for the day.
Work is slow today so I have lots of time to chill. I’m sitting in a side break room though and it’s at least four million and twelve degrees in here. Gross.
Matt and I are going to the beach tomorrow, I can’t wait! It’s supposed to be 80 and sunny, so that should be good. Monday I’m going to breakfast with Kristin, Tuesday I’m working and Wednesday Matt and I have to go into the city to meet with the surgical oncologist. The appointment is at 8am though, so we’ll have plenty of time to do whatever. We plan on stopping at McGillins to have lunch.
McGillins is the oldest bar in Philly (open since 1860). I worked there from 2008-2013, and I swear to god, every time I go in there it’s like I’ve passed through a time portal back to 2009. Still smells like overgrown frat boys, beer and bad decisions 😂 we haven’t been there in a long time, so I’m excited to go. I hope Tammy (the day bartender) is working! When I used to work Wednesday nights (karaoke nights, ew), she’d run up to the bathroom before leaving, but she’d leave her phone on the charger on the bar. So naturally, I’d pick it up and take a selfie with whatever regulars happened to be around and make it the background on her phone lol.
I’m not sure how I feel about my appointment coming up. Like… because I don’t have any real symptoms of being sick (except for constantly being tired and night sweats) thankfully, most of the time I’m lucky enough to be able to push it to the back of my mind now that the initial shock has worn off. But then I’ll be getting ready to get in the shower at night, and once I really pay attention to my boobs I notice differences. My right nipple is inverted a little bit and there’s some flaky skin, also the texture of my skin on my areolas is different. It feels weird and gross and I don’t like it. Occasionally I feel a little bit of pain, but to be completely honest, I thought I just needed to replace my bras, ya know?
Boy was I wrong as fuck 🤣😂
On the one hand, I’m glad to cross another mini hurdle in this race (sorry, I refuse to call it a journey lol.) and get some answers about where I’m at in this process. I’ve been thinking seriously about it though- if I can get a double mastectomy, I’m definitely going that route. I’m 43, I’ll take a lift, for sure lol. But I want the exact same cup size. I’m a really curvy girl, my boobs help balance out my ass 😂 gotta keep the curves looking right.
I have to admit- this whole experience really has me thinking about my own mortality. Not in a “why me, I’m gonna go play in traffic, bla bla bla”, but more like, huh…. I guess I don’t have all the time in the world. Maybe not everyone gets to be old. That’s not unsettling at all lol.
I’m really not trying to think in “what ifs”, because what’s the point? What ifs are just theoretical fears. they aren’t based in reality, and I understand that. But the one what if I can’t seem to just push to the back of my brain is what if I beat it this time but it comes back somewhere else and far more aggressive? And that usually leads to “what if I need chemo? What if I develop brain cancer? What if I don’t make it to my 50th birthday?” And other assorted dark thoughts.
Anyway, it’s time for break, which means 30 mins to put my head down in a dark room and have a mini nap.
Enjoy your weekend 🤗🤗🤗
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