Jesus Christ I feel fucking crazy. Like actually fucking bipolar. I’ve never experienced feeling every single emotion that ever existed all in one day. Part of me feels stupid for even crying- the doctors are optimistic they caught it early, and when I met with my primary the other day, she felt optimistic about it as well given that aside from this, I’m in pretty good health. (The angry part of me feels like that’s laughable, but whatever)
Like this morning I woke up feeling good. I spoke to an oncology nurse in the morning, got most of my initial appointments scheduled, she seems to think I won’t need chemo- THANK FUCKING GOD!!!! But there is a very real possibility I might lose my boobs.
I’m not ready to wrap my head around that.
I know I talk a lot of shit about my body and I 100000% regret that now. I have the kind of curves most women would pay good money to get. I understand- I’m more than a pair of boobs. But it’s not really about that. Not entirely, anyway.
FUCK.
Fuuuuuuuck I hate this so fucking much.
I’m sorry I haven’t been great about catching up with everyone, especially since you’ve all been so incredibly wonderful and supportive. I really do appreciate every single note. And I will get caught up with everyone, I just haven’t really been able to focus all that much.
I asked to work in one of the trailers today so I wouldn’t have to interact with too many people. I’m still sitting in here even tho it’s break time. I should be eating but I have zero appetite. Oddly enough I’ve eaten so many freaking gummies over the past few days you’d think I’d be a ravenous pit, but not so much. Everything tastes like sand.
I think I may leave early today. I’m so not feelin the work vibe.
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