Emotionally, today has been the hardest day so far. I don’t know why. This morning I actually thought I’d get through the day without a breakdown. How naive I was.
Getting through the day really feels damn near impossible right now.
I thought going through drug withdrawal, and struggling to get clean, going through detox etc, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, but I think this tops that.
I’m trying to be consistent with documenting how I’m feeling, I think it’s really important to acknowledge everything- the good, the bad, the ugly and all the ins and outs. I need to verbalize and acknowledge these things instead of doing my normal bullshit. So often when something’s wrong or bothering me I try my damndest to stuff it down and just get over it so I don’t have to really feel my feelings and just force myself to move forward, because who wants to feel shitty and sad? (Perhaps this is how I developed cancer in the first damn place- by stuffing everything down).
If life has taught me anything so far, the only way to get past this is to get through it. I can’t just stuff this down. It’s not gonna work like that, unfortunately. I have moments where I’ll think about something (the cost of treatments, the emotional toll, should I join a support group? Am I overreacting to this? What if I beat it now and then two years from now it develops somewhere else and comes back with a vengeance? And many more intrusive thoughts) and all of a sudden I realize I’m frozen and holding my breath. Or I’ll be thinking about something unrelated and then it comes screaming back to me like I’m getting emotionally sucker punched.
This is really difficult to process. Like I think about shit that I was stressing out about even as recently as week or two ago, and it all seems to pointless and inconsequential now.
I have to say though, I’ve been receiving some really good, strong support and it’s been a fucking lifesaver. Truly, it has. Feeling the love has made this a little less horrible, and for that I’m super grateful. It really does make me feel less alone.
I hope I can get some sleep tonight- I can’t have cancer and feel like I look like something that rolled out of a gutter. As of tomorrow it’s a week since I found out, and I think I’ve averaged maybe 3-4 hours of sleep each night, if that. It’s definitely starting to take its toll.
Anyway, I hope everyone reading this had a really good day today
❤️
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