Not a day goes by I don't think of her. I don't tell her though. Not anymore. Everything feels so incredibly awkward now. I keep trying to figure out ways to make conversing not awkward, but it always ends in what feels like disaster. Sometimes, I feel like I talk too much in my messages with her. Other times, I feel like I don't talk enough. She is absolutely no help, too. Zero guidance on what to do, how to do it, what not to do and so on.
Today has not been a good day. More than once, I've wanted to message her and tell her about it. She used to always listen. Stomeimes, she even made me see things differently. I miss that.
More and more, I feel we just need to say good bye. To me, I feel like I am doing everything and she is doing nothing. Looking at that sentence, it reads so horrible and makes it sound like she is horrible and she's not. She has so much going on; almost too much for her to deal with since she chooses to deal with it all alone. I seem to be an added burden.
Gone are the endearments. Gone are the "I miss you" and "I wish you were here." I feel as if I have become a burden to her. I've felt that way before.
Walls will continue to be built the longer we remain apart. Eventually, she will forget how I felt. She will forget the smiles and laughter she had with me. She may even convince herself none of it was real. I've been there. I've done that. It feels as if we are staving off the inevitble right now. I tell her I am here for her, but she never reaches out anymore. I have no way of making her see and understand I am here. I want to hold her, watch tv with her, laugh at her tiktok obssessions and simply enjoy being around her. Yet, that seems to be too much for her.
It doesn't help that every time we are together, we have serious conversations. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of walking on egg shells and feeling as if I am constantly saying and doing something wrong. If I can't make her happy, if I can't make her smile, I should not be a part of her life. It is that simple.
By problems, my issues, my burdens, are mine alone to carry. A long time ago, she had told me she wanted to know them and be a part of that world with me, but I see now she no longer wants that. She found the back door and she slipped through without a word. No goodbye. She was just... gone.
I hope she comes back. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking of her. Even when I am with someone else... she is at the front of my mind. She has so much power. I know she doesn't want it. I can't change it.
At least I can still remember her smile. There are times throughout the day when simply thinking of her makes me smile. I'll remember something she said, or something we did, and I'll laugh. Pretty sure any student on the bus paying attention to me would think I'm crazy.
No matter how bad things have been... she has always been the light in my dark. I just wish I could have been her light.
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