Anxious attachment is a style of attachment rooted in a deep fear of abandonment and rejection, often stemming from inconsistent childhood care.
But what is the term for an attachment style rooted in not knowing, lack of guidance, and failed communication but with an expectation to understand and still be there?
I have long ago admitted to my fears of being rejected. It's all I have ever known. Women tell me I am perfect, then leave me and often for someone else. Those relationships never last, but that's not the point. How can I be perfect, yet never enough? No one ever tells me. Well, one person did. She said I was too intense. By admitting this to me, she was admitting she couldn't handle how deeply I loved and committed I would have been to any relationship we had. She and I are still friends today, becuase of that talk we had after several drinks. She was honest with me about "us" and I knew what we were and where we were going.
Fast foward to now and ... after weeks of working on things and trying to understand so many aspects and dynamics of my relationship with this new woman.... I realize I don't have anxious attachment with her. I simply have fear and desperation. That last term... that is what has been causing so many problems for me.
Desperate to hold on to what we had.
Desperate to be a part of her life.
Desperate to not be forgotten.
Desperate to simply know who and what in the hell we are.
Desperate for communication.
Desperate to know.
I have also always admitted I do not like not knowing something when I really want to know. I spent months asking to be told what and who we are and never getting an answer. That's not accurate. I do get an answer. "I don't know." That's the answer. Yet, in my mind, it's impossible to not know.
When we wake up, we generally know what we want, what we wish could have, how we wish our life was currently going compared to how it actually is. I believe this is only different for people with lives are so full of work, appointments, and committments, they don't have time to have feelings. We are not like that. We spend hours at home. We have hours where we are inside of our own minds. We know what we want. We know what we desire. So saying, "I don't know" is actually a lie. Just say "I don't want to tell." That is more accurate.
I am no longer mad. I was mad. For a while. I was also sad. I'm not sad anymore. I'm not disappointed. I feel sorry for her.
I spent weeks going back in our timeline, trying to figure out when my anxieties started and when the anxious attachment became a thing. It all started in June. That was when she shut down. A part of her. I saw it then, but refused to acknowledge it. I thought it would go away with time and we would be okay. I was wrong.
I was a fantasy. That is all I ever was.
Before I moved to MA, we talked every single day and about everything. We shared our hopes, our dreams, our wants and desires. I had finally found a sexual match to my own hunger. I was thrilled. I was excited. I wanted to explore everything with her.
That is not anxious attachment. That.... is love. That.... is happiness.
When she started to pull away in July, I should have just let her go. I couldn't. I couldn't believe that everything we had experienced together in the months prior was a lie. It was real. I felt it. I saw it in her eyes. I felt it in her touch.
By August, she had closed me out of so many parts of her life. That was when desperation really set in. I started to cling, clutch, hold tight to the one person responsible for making me so incredibly happy yet equally responsible for hurting me so damn badly. I know she didn't mean to. I know she never wanted to hurt me. It was what made forgiveness so easy. Her situation was an impossible one. Pulled in so many directions, but so many people for so many reasons and none of those directions were directions she wanted to go. I never had a family, so I could not relate.
September rolls around and we eventually see each other. It was the last day of the month, I remember that. It had been weeks since we had seen each other. Almost 2 months by then. I was just happy to see her, but that dinner was not a happy one. It was stressful. She had new walls. I spent the entire night knocking them down. I loved making her smile. Neither of us wanted to be a part after that, but we separated and went to our own homes. She was in tears. I knew the longer we remained apart, the more walls she would build and one day, I would not be able to knock them down.
October comes and goes. She visited me twice that month. We talked about everything. We shared shows. We cuddled on the couch and watched a Halloween movie that dreadful yet good at the same time. I was content. I knew my place. I thought I did, anyway. I could feel the conflict she was dealing with, but I had no idea how to help her. All I knew to do was be myself and show her how much she was cared for and how she was so incredibly special and deserving of being loved.
November hits with a boom. I aganized over a birthday gift, becuase I wanted it to be special, but I also knew I couldn't give what I wanted to give because she was with her wife and I needed to respect that. This is when the anger started to grow. This is when I realized I was feeling emotions unfamiliar to me. This is also when she started to shut down more and shut me out. She was fighting it though, I could tell. Some days were quiet, other days she would talk to me like she used to in the beginning. It became a rollercoaster. I didn't know where I stood with her anymore.
December was half good, half miserable. She rocked my world when she showed up for my work holiday party. 100% I believed she would not show up. When she did, I was so thrilled, but still so very deeply confused. At the party, I wanted to cling to her. Not because of any relationship, but becuase I had never had anyone support me before and I had no idea what to do with that. There was a raging storm inside of me and she was literally the calm to my internal storm. I wanted to leave so many times, because I would get overwhelmed, she would touch me, or let me rest my hand on her, and the storm would subside to something more bareable. We returned to my apartment and all I wanted to do was hold her and not let her go. Sex was never my intent. I just wanted to hold her. Protect her like she had protected me. I have no will power where she is concerned so when she initiated.... I had only enough sense to ask her if she was certain. I would not have continued if she was not certain. I hate regret.
That was the last night I felt at peace. It was the last time I felt complete.
January was a horrible month. Broken promises from multiple people, anniversaries and birthdays, my own included. I hate my birthday. Only 2 or 3 times has my birthday ever been a good day. I fucking hate it. The only bright spot was waking up to a message from her that was so incredibly sweet and unexpected. The rest of the day was miserable.
February, I was obssessing. Anxieties were raging. Fear was overwhelming. A month for suicide. Finally, I saw her. First time since holiday party. First time in two months. I felt I had begged to see her. I hated feeling that way, but I needed to see her. Needed to know she was okay, at least physically. The walls were there. I couldn't knock those down. I didn't know if I wanted to anymore. She made another promise. Another promise that would be broken.
March rolls around and the emotions and anxities finally explode. Getting help for them was crucial. Understanding was more crucial. I asked for to see her again.... I hated doing that. I feel like I am "making" her see me when she really doesn't want to. This time, though, it was necessary as part of what I was working on and I appreciated that she obliged me. It was the most awkward meeting betwen us yet. It felt.... wrong.
Tomorrow is April. As I sit here, typing this, drinking coffee, and watching the sun rise over the tops of buildings.... I feel dejected.
The anxities are gone. All of my work culminated in one singular issue. Not knowing. I was asked what the difference was between the time when I felt the least anxious and the times I felt the most anxious. When I felt the least anxious, I knew. When i feel the most anxious, I don't know. A long time ago, I had told her I may seek reassurance from her. Not often, but it would happen, because I may start to feel many things. That what we had wasn't real. That she didn't actually care about me. That didn't want me. Knowing my insecurities, and previous therapies, taught me that it is okay to sometimes as for reassurance so as to minimize the growth anxieties and fears. I do it with my friends. I can't do it with her. It feels like a burden. It feels like I am making her say things she doesn't want to say.
I don't know what she wants from me. I don't know where I stand. I don't know if she thinks about me. I don't know if she misses me anymore. I don't know if she really wants me in her life, because right now, I am most definitely not in her life. Have no clue what is going on with her. For months, this was all building into a raging storm. A part of it exploded and she saw it in my anxieities. Now, it is subsiding.
Here is what I know.
If she wanted me in her life, she would include me. I would be invited over to her place, to dinner or lunches, or just to have a walk along the river.
If she missed me, she would tell me.
If she thought about me, she would share those thoughts.
My heart aches. I want to cry, because all of this is really, really sad. Yet, I can't. I gave my all to the point it nearly took my life. I have self harmed. I have damaged. I have nearly gone insane. All because I wanted to know and understand.
She knows what i have to offer. She knows what I bring to the table. What it seems to me is that she wants to be alone. She doesn't want to be happy right now. So I am going to walk away. Before loving her quite literally kills me.
I don't have an anxious attachment. I finally understand that. I simply had unwelcomed love. I'll take this love she didn't want..... and I'll hold on to it. Maybe someone, some day, will want it. A part of me wishes I had been good enough for her. I still love her. I still want her. I always will, I fear. But I don't want this kind of life.
Take me, all of me...... or don't have me at all.
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