Everything I have read tells me that I will go through many "new" starts. While I work on my issues which delve into the past, I will reach out to people (so very few) to discuss certain things. Speaking with my mother is always fun. We usually end up talking about her mental health instead of my own. I have to tread carefully with her because of her suicidal ideations and severe depression. My uncle is losing his memory and has absolutely no memory of me as a child, so talking with him was not cathartic in the least.
There was abandonment in my past, although I hestitate to call it that at the time. My sister left us when I was 10 and my brother left three years later. Both moved on to live with an aunt and uncle who had money and could provide things they wanted. I remained with our mother who had not yet been diagnosed with her own mental health issues, but had already attempted suicide by that time. I knew if I left, she would succeed in killing herself. So I stayed, until I moved to another state where I established a foothold and got my mother moved there.
I was 13 years old and taking care of myself. I cleaned my own laundry, the house, did my homework, took myself to school (especially if I missed the bus), and cooked my own meals. My father was a truck driver and never home. I got money for good grades which I saved and used to help my mother move to where I was living.
Abandonment also came from my father. That is one person I can not speak with because he is dead. He also disowned me for being a lesbian. He told me I was his greatest disappointment. He was hardly a part of my life, so when he was saying those hurtful things, they did not really affect me at the time. I remember, and my mother told me, I felt pity for him. However, according to things I have read, those words did have an affect on me. They affect me now.
He was the first person to tell me he loved me, then show he did not actually mean it. The first that I recall, anyway.
I struggle with "talking" to my younger self. What in the world can I say or do that would make the child who felt nothing, feel better? I didn't have a happy childhood, but I also don't know what one really looks like. So how can I miss what I never had? How can I be affected by what I never experienced?
This is my current struggle. I don't want to go through my entire life believing people who tell me they care about me will leave me. Actions have always spoken so much more loudly than words and those actions have all told me to expect just that. I thought something/someone in my life now would be different....would break that cycle...but I was wrong. I was right again in believing I would end up alone, again.
So although I can make great strides and advancement in other aspects of my life and issues, this is where I struggle the most. I try to grasp on to something, but all I find in my hand is air.
I love. I give my all. Every part of me I can provide/give at that time. There is a short period of time of light and happiness. Then it is all gone. Lengthy periods of time spent in darkness waiting for the next light to shine through.
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