Year 46 has officially commenced in Torridaussity Two

Happy 46th birthday to me. I’m blessed to have completed another year here on Earth and to have started a new one today. Right now I’m in a state of restlessness. There’s so many things that I need to change in my life but I’m just too tired to want to do it. It’s been a while since I’ve written here and it’s been a lot of time I’ve missed reading all of you. I’m going to just do a rundown of everything that’s been going on in the last 6 months to a year. First and probably the easiest thing to catch up on is my health physical, emotional, and mental. About a year ago I started having issues with ear infections and had multiple over the last year I had one in the fall and after that my right ear started to lose hearing everything is muffled and when I finally was able to get in with my ENT she found a growth on the outside of the eardrum so I required an MRI and MRA and a CAT scan and seeing a specialist in Pittsburgh to determine that I will be having surgery on August 11th where they will lift up my eardrum to see what is growing or lurking behind it. There is a mass there however they cannot tell if it’s a tumor mass or if it’s from all the infections and there’s blood and fluid that couldn’t drain stuck there. I will be happy when it is all over and pray that it restores the hearing that I’ve lost. I’m dealing with an issue in the heel of my right foot that if you ask my podiatrist one time he tells me it’s a bone spur and the Achilles tendon is catching on the bone spur in the heel and the next time he’s like no you’re Achilles tendon is calcified and that’s what’s irritating it either way I started doing laser treatment this past week I’ll have 10 treatments maybe up to 15 they’ll reevaluate at 10 to see how it goes and I’m praying that I find relief from the pain because it hurts a lot. Lastly I’ve had issues with my leg since last year as well it is still numb I’m searching for a neurosurgeon to evaluate if I need back surgery. My mental health is not the greatest I believe that I am entering into perimenopause which is really messing with my ADHD. I am not happy in life right now just issues with my relationship with the boyfriend issues with people at work I’m just not happy. So mentally I’m just tapped out from Life at the moment kind of just masking everyday what I’m really feeling or not feeling and trying to figure out what I want out of life so mentally and emotionally I’m all over the place which is so fun right? I’m surviving but in pain physical and mental.
My family is doing okay my brother and sister-in-law were visiting last week nope sorry two weeks ago now and they adopted two puppies so the two puppies came with the four cats and my brother and sister-in-law all to live with me for the week I love them but I was glad when they left my mom’s Parkinson’s progressing but she’s still holding her own my dad who will turn 86 on the 12th we are almost exactly 40 years apart I can see that he’s showing his age but he still gets around pretty well I will say my family is probably the most consistent and good thing in my life that I have.
My relationship with Dan is at a standstill he sent me flowers for my birthday didn’t even sign the card with them or tell them to sign his name and then today on my actual birthday I have not heard a word from him. he’s made a very positive change in his life that he is no longer drinking and I love that for him however he has social anxiety and would use drinking as a way to loosen his mind enough to be around people so now that he’s not drinking I don’t see him and as much as I love him and will be sad if we end things I deserve more than just to be someone waiting all the time waiting to see him to hear from him. It’s hard because I feel if we break up I won’t try again to find somebody and that makes me sad too. Since being sick and just dealing with all the health issues I’ve had since then I’m at the highest weight that I’ve ever been I hate the way that I look I have no self-esteem and I know I won’t try because I’ll be too afraid that I’ll be rejected I know deep down that I deserve more.
There are good things in my life my friends my family. Not everything is horrible but I definitely need to make changes. I hope that you’re 46 will be better than year 45 was for me. For those of you still reading me thank you I’m going to try to be on here more only time will tell.