Embers in Current Events

I let myself cry today. Nothing special happened. I got emotional watching something and I surrendered myself to it. I was hoping for catharsis. Instead, all of my scars opened. What’s the opportunity here? I have to ask myself. That is my 2024 mantra to get me through my crisis list. I am lobotomizing myself with positive thinking. I am embracing toxic optimism. My inner Sagittarius (my sun is in the 9H). The opportunity is obvious. I can see where I need healing.

I had a fire under my ass two months ago. It took a catalyst but I had my mind where it needed to be. I started so much. I followed through on very little to the end. I have to admit to myself here that I am not in control. I took a moment to catch my breath today. I admitted to myself that I have a problem. I surrendered to all of my vices today. My vices make me feel like I am in control when I am not. My fear is. The fears I have are basic. Process pain, loss pain, and what if. I don’t cope with change well. This compulsive state that I am in is demonic. That blindspot in our psyche that acts like sightedness. It’s the head of game here. The pleasure and the pain. I know that the journey is to take over control.

I am not far off. I can muster up the courage and make the changes that I need to make. I sure move at a glacial pace. I don’t do enough to get the results that I want. That was my epiphany today. I looked at my body in the mirror… okay I did it through a camera lens and I don’t feel like I have the physique of somebody who has been going to the gym 2-4 times a week since August. I am wrong, of course. I am perfectly normal, I need to start there. I don’t need to be that guy who shares a before picture of somebody completely normal. This man is not worthy of my love and respect. That is such a twisted message to send to oneself, let alone to the world. That’s so hard to witness from fitness influencers. I am simply not doing the right things to get the right results that I want. My diet is what I need to focus on. That’s not the moral of the story here. I can apply my epiphany to every area of my life. I am not doing enough.

Everyone is doing their best. In Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly, this is the belief that she needs to have so that she doesn’t judge others. I don’t have it me to do that. (I have a Capricorn Sun/Mercury/Venus/Uranus/Neptune and my 9H which has my Sun is in Capricorn and my Jupiter is in the 10H). The way we see the world is the way we see ourselves. I see that nobody is doing their best. They are disappointing. They are wasting their God-given potential. They need to be better. Of course, this is just how I see myself. Nothing is good enough because I am not good enough. I am not doing my best.

I keep putting my head in the sand, so to speak. I shrink my surroundings and hide from the world and my responsibilities. I save it all for the last minute. I can take 3 months to do a 30-minute task. Or I can do 3 months of tasks in 30 minutes. This is an ADHD thing. I’m still in denial that I have ADHD. (My Moon is in the 6H which is overpowered by the internally restless Virgo)

I am writing this entry to gas myself up. That fire that I had under my ass, I want it back. I don’t want a crisis to trigger it. I want to light it on my own. I want to be a self-starter. I have a discipline deficiency.

A coincidence is a co incidence, and I am having another epiphany in real time. Last month was my 8-year anniversary of quitting smoking. I was thinking about how long and difficult that journey was. I knew that all I had to do was quit my first cigarette of the day. I spent the rest of the day chasing the high from the first one. I can apply that to my current problem. My metacognition game is strong. It won’t be too hard to map it out. I need a dopamine detox but I have to quit the first hit of my day. I had to restructure my entire day to undermine my smoking habits. I can apply that to my daily routines. I need to get out of this positive feedback loop that I locked myself in. I’m just chasing my tail. Operation: UnFuck Yourself.

Aside from my usual drama and upsets, my poor roommate just learned that she will have her cast on for another 4 weeks. She challenged the universe by saying that people who slip on ice have no core strength, and no structure to catch themselves. She slipped on some ice and caught herself but fractured her wrist. This is devastating because she was training to compete at her boxing gym. It gets worse, they predict that she will require surgery at the end of it.

I have not looked at the astrological forecast but I am wondering if there is something going on for Taurus. My roommate is a Taurus. My rising is Taurus and I just learned that Candace Owens no longer works at the Daily Wire. She is a Taurus. You can tell by her round eyes. Venus eyes. I think she has Capricorn in her 1H or has her sun in the 10H because of those cheekbones. I digress.

Well, I should get on with my evening then. I have a headache because of my mini-cry session. I was watching a montage of men saving the day. This is humanity. I thought to myself. I don’t see the beauty in the world. Just the ugliness. Just the worst aspects of ourselves. I need to change that. It’s just more projection. I don’t see the beauty in myself. Just the worst aspects.

Last updated March 29, 2024