ok week in just testing

I’m so boring - I never really have anything going on - I noticed that yesterday at my mom’s house when she asks me what’s going on - and it’s like, nothing.

Work is work, I don’t really bogg her down with any details.

I don’t have any hobbies or anything but my cats.

Nothing really important coming up - the cruise is always in the back of my mind but I have nothing else coming up.

And I don’t know what to do about it either.

ANYWAY work was OK.

I got in a little tiff with a co-worker and I can admit, and I did, that it was totally my fault cause I have a big mouth. I told something she told me because I thought I was helping her but the person I told it to didn’t have the reaction I thought they would and it turned out to bite me in the ass.

In the end I did go back to that co-worker and apologized and we hugged it out. I NEED to keep my nose outta people’s stuff. It’s hard tho cause I feel like I’m easy to talk to and people vent to me and sometimes I think I can help them out and so I air out another person’s issues and it doesn’t end up working out like I thought it would and then everyone’s mad I told.

I can’t really stop people from telling me things - I do tell them that they should address it with management but you know how it is. People are afraid to go into the office and tell their boss stuff that they’re dissatisfied with.

I don’t mind at all going to my boss cause I work with her everyday, all day, we’re friends.

I also think ‘management’ doesn’t like that co workers vent to me instead of going to them and may have lashed out a bit in this situation to stop co workers from coming to me.

Which I’m fine with - I don’t need to know all the things I know.

Anyway, it was unnecessary drama I created and it’s over now and in the end it’s a good reminder to keep my fat good intentioned mouth shut.

Other than that work was fine.

I finally got my raise - even though we they didn’t evaluate me yet. I got the max the school is allowed to give but it’s still kinda small. It equals out to basically $30 more a paycheck, which is nice… but I was hoping for a lot more. And with how small the ‘max’ a raise can be - it’ll be 10 years before I get paid as high as the highest worker I know is paid.... which seems a long time to wait.

I don’t fucking know.

No one is biting on my resume for part time work. I should just walk into the local Costco and put a resume in, in person. Online stuff just gets lost in the internet it seems like.

Other than that, I was planning on having friends over this Friday for Teach’s birthday. We were kinda gonna do a pot luck thing but my sister called and said my mom had a melt down over the phone.

It’s weird - my mom is very stiff chinned. She doesn’t cry often. Or she didn’t when we were growing up. She taught me to be the same way.

Now yes, I cry often but not in front of anyone. Teach has probably seen me cry twice. Shauna once. And I’ve known then over 10 years.

Will’s seen me cry a lot more....

Anyway so my mom doesn’t cry in front of me - but my sister, she’ll cry all day in front of her!!

It’s so weird! When my mom’s cat’s died - they both died in the same year - she was wailing to my sister. But not to me. But I don’t want her to. So, for me, when we would talk about the cats and she would look like she was heading there I’d be like : You knew this was coming, everything dies, you gave them a good life and crying won’t bring them back.

Harsh maybe, but it bucked her up and she didn’t cry. I don’t want her to cry - I don’t want to see her cry - so that’s that. And yes, I guess people need to cry - it’s part of the grieving process but because she doesn’t often cry around me it freaks me out when she tries and I get her off that track fast.

I guess my sis is more OK with it.

Anyway my sis said she called my mom in the middle of the day, just to talk, and my mom started talking about how she heard that my cousin [who is allllll the way out in Cali so I don’t even know him] is into drugs and my cousin [ I think he’s in his early 20’s] is claiming that he learned about drugs from his own mom.

So that house hold is in an uproar and while my mom was telling my sis this she started crying and had to excuse herself to the bathroom and then she went on a rant about how mom’s are supposed to protect their children and she doesn’t feel like my cousin’s mom was a good mom and she doesn’t feel like she was a good mom to us because of the ‘mistake’ my sister is now dealing with.

Basically saying that if she was a better mom my sister wouldn’t have gotten pregnant.

Here we go again. I thought she was finally coming around to this baby thing, esp. since my sis has put a bid on the house, the inspection went through, they’re just waiting on loan stuff - but she could be in a new house with a room for the baby before thanksgiving!

Never mind the fact that it was a Planned pregnancy, not a mistake.

I dunno, my mom has always told us not to have kids. Kids are hard, they suck your money and your youth and if she knew then what she knew now she wouldn’t have had us - cause it was hard.

Keep in mind she was a single mom, divorced by a man who didn’t care about the family she created and shamed by her own family for marrying a black man. And even though she was shamed by that family, she had to depend on them to watch us cause she had to work and doesn’t trust daycares.

We went to summer camps when we were over 6 but it was always family before then. Family only stopped watching us when grandma died.

So anyway, mom drilled into us don’t have kids so now she thinks she’s a bad mom cause one of her kids is having a kids.

My mom is so messed up.

SOOO I canceled my potluck to go visit my mom cause my sister said she really went crazy in the bathroom and in front of me, my mom is totally fine. She told me the story and she told me she was embarrassed that something like that was going on in her family [drugs] but other than that she didn’t say much more about it.

Then we tried to talk about my life but NOTHING is going on so, that’s that.

I didn’t tell my mom about the raise because she doesn’t think they pay me enough, she wants me to leave the job so if I told her my measly raise she’d prob harp on me to leave there.

But as a pick me up to myself I bought $80 in bras and panties = out to 2 bras and 5 panties. I REALLY needed them. I don’t think I have to mention, again, how little I spend on Myself. So these are nice and USEFUL.

I didn’t buy any clothes - mainly cause I’m mad at my weight. I basically only wanna buy size 18 or lower clothes - but I don’t fit into that SO that means no buying clothes.

I did buy a scale tho.

I haven’t gotten on it tho. Maybe I’ll start again on Sunday with this whole weightloss thing. I’ve fallen off the wagon, yet again. Ay yi yi I suck so hard.

SO Sunday Sunday Sunday I’ll post my weight and try again.

That’s that.

Last updated September 13, 2014