i suck i suck i suck in just testing

When I had OD and a desk job where I didn’t have much work I could write everyday.

Now I can’t do it at work and I don’t do it at home. I don’t do anything at home.

Ummmm

I’ve been away so long.

SOOOO

Me & Will are good. It’s weird - I feel like I got some libido back when I got on birth control. But I researched it and it usually doesn’t work that way. Ususally it takes it away.

But it might be mental because before I committed to not having kids my period was a reminder I wasn’t pregnant and a period to wonder about it and all that. Now I’m not pregnant, not trying, no happening and nothing to wonder about and I guess that takes some pressure off.

AND I was supposed to get my period yesterday and NOTHING has happened. No cramping, no spotting, not even the depression I usually get at the time of my period with the crying and the negativity. Nothing. I feel totally normal.

Now, I’m only 1 day late - and I have been 1 day late before and then got it. so I guess I’m still wondering if it will show. But so far I have no symptoms. Even if I did start to bleed. The fact that I have NO CRAMPING at all is good enough for me.

This is the way it was when I was a teen and on depo. It completely stopped everything. I’m so glad it works that way - for me. When my sis was on it she still got spotting. Works different for everyone.

Ummmm work. Work is crazy. We just got an audit - it happens every 3 months - and today it happened and we passed with flying colors. It was a panic for this whole month double checking everything and making sure it was all OK. Paperwork is all in order and classrooms are safe. Yay.

But one sucky thing is that the afternoon secretary got a new job. I’m sooo freaking out about this. We’re both extremely busy and she’s been there for 2 years so she knows even more than me. And now in 2 weeks she’s gone and I don’t know when they’re gonna find someone and I’m worried about how HEAVY my workload is gonna be until they do.

I mean, the phones alone are crazy and a majority of the day 2 people answer it - now it’s gonna be just me. That alone is gonna slow me the fuck down.

And even if they find someone soon they’re gonna be new and confused and slow and I’m nice - I’m not gonna be a bitch to a new person but even that is going to take away from work I NEED to do.

The last time the afternoon secretary took a vacation I cried at work because I felt overwhelmed cause I had so much to do.

So I’m freaking out.

Plus it’s making me jealous. She’s gonna work in a REAL job with a cafeteria and a gym and making more money that me probably and everyone is congratulating her and… .it makes me wanna find a new job and move on like maybe I should but then I feel like I really can’t do it now cause if they lose both secretaries in close sucession they’re gonna be super screwed and I don’t want that.

I LIKE the job, I LIKE the commute, I LIKE the hours - I just don’t like the pay and I’m torn about taking a job I may not like as much for more money or being at a place I enjoy for less money.

And Will’s scaring me cause his sleep apnea test is coming up and he’s determined to fail - though doing nothing about it - and so if he DOES get fired - or if they make him buy that sleep apnea machine that he won’t wanna buy - then we’re gonna be living REEEEEALLLLY tight and it’s gonna be really bad cause Will’s happiness is tied to his bank account.

I forsee lots of fighting if his bank account goes down....

big sigh

But I don’t mind the secretary going cause even though we’ve become friends, she screwed me over twice because she’s best friends with the associate director. She talks ALOT and twice she’s said things about me that - while might be true - the only result would to get people upset with me.

So even though she’s mostly a good person, I haven’t forgotten her gossiping ways and I’m fine with starting over with a new person that I hold no grudges with.

Diet wise - very slow going and I hate myself for it. I just do not know HOW to motivate myself.

I mean, if I had enough money maybe I’d buy myself things when I lost so and so lbs but I can’t really “reward” myself cause I’m pretty broke.

And I really need a new coat..... I don’t really have ‘spree’ money. When I get a chunk I’m gonna buy a coat - whether I lose weight or not.

HMMM

my sister’s pregnancy is going well. She’s 5 months and I’m trying to sock away money for Christmas, birthdays, baby showers, etc. AND I need snow tires cause we had to sell the Ford Explorer I used last year to get to work.

I drive a light tiny Kia Rio and I work on a mountain. If I’m not driving the explorer to work anymore I at least need snow tires.

I’m so scared of winter - bleh.

so over all things are going well but I have a couple of stressors.

One less stressor - I deleted all my work friends off FB and ‘unfollowed’ them on instagram

I’m a pretty open person - I wanted to be friends with everyone when I first got hired and eventually almost everyone accepted me.

I always felt a little weird about the ones that didn’t with no explanation. 2 people came and told me the saw my request but don’t include work people on FB and I respect that but others just never responded and made me wonder if they didn’t like me, etc.

Anyway - most I friended but I’m in a weird place where I’m not a teacher but I’m not a manager. So when people would post pictures doing things against school policy - or would post on FB about how they can’t wait to find another job - I was torn between telling my supervisors or keeping a secret.

I hated feeling that.

Also, sometimes people would come up to me to discuss my posts. I rarely put work related things on FB - because I knew work people were watching - but if I ever put something regarding how hard a day I had or the fact that we’re short staffed cause people called out, etc. Or even views on animal issues - people would come to discuss with me what I posted and that made me uncomfortable. It was really only one old cranky lady.

SO now I unfriended and deleted everyone and I feel more relaxed about what I post and the fact that I don’t have a view into the world of all the teachers so I’m ignorant as to what they’re doing.

And today one teacher got found out for something she posted that I knew about from when I was friends with her but couldn’t bring myself to tell management. Someone else told and now they’ll be in trouble and it’s not my fault.

yay for no guilt on my part!

This is going on forever cause I feel like I haven’t been on in a loooooong time.

I hate how tired I am.

I’ve said this many times before. And I entirely contribute it to my weight. I feel like I have to down a 5 hr energy just to not go to bed after work.

I shouldn’t be THAT tired after a sit down job.

Yes I get up at 5am but I shouldn’t be going to bed at 5pm.

I have NO energy.

Of course enough energy to make dinner - never too tired not to eat. And I over eat - and then I pass out.

Sometimes I wonder about diabetes but Will’s mom has diabetes and takes my blood just for fun and I’m always in a good zone [according to her] so.. I dunno.

Fat people usually get diabetes so I’m surprised I don’t have it but the blood test doesn’t seem to say I do.

I don’t think I have thyroid issues either. I was tested a long time ago.

Yea things change, but I haven’t been for a check up in a few years and I’m not eager to get one cause … I’m not healthy and I don’t like being reminded. And I have to get naked in front of a doctor and I don’t love that either. It’s embarrassing.

I’d rather die in a diabetic coma on my couch than have some doctor poke and prod my naked flabby body.

… rambling....

almost Friday - almost pay day

my only joy in life is putting $$ into our cruise fund.

Will still has to pay off TV and then his car thing [battery and belts were replaced for like $500] and his dentist bills.

I feel like he’s stalling on paying the TV cause he got a no interest deal but I wish he would just pay it off cause right now we have a lump of money in our account that isn’t Really ours because he still owes on a few things.

I tried to tell him that last weekend but he doesn’t understand and keeps saying it IS our cruise money but really it’s not. Not if he’s gonna use it to pay bills. Which I’m fine if he does, I just wish he would do it NOW so I’m not looking at money I can’t have.

He keeps thinking after tax season he’ll pay everything off and THEN the money in our joint account will really be for the cruise but I hate the uncertainty. I don’t know how much we will get and it’s MONTHS in the future. I just want him to pay it off now. But he rather hold on to the money until the last minute, simply because he can because there’s no interested on the TV debt.

We think so different on things sometimes. But I can’t FORCE him to pay his bills so I just lose cause he’s not gonna do what I want. That’s how I feel. I ‘lose’ cause I want it one way, he wants it another and it’s going his way so he ‘wins’ and I ‘lose’. It feels sucky.

....

Baby clothes for my sister. I have like $300 worth of baby clothes in my amazon cart I’d love to buy my sister lol.

I need a jacket, I need snow tires, and then Christmas and birthdays. Stupid winter close to Christmas birthdays. Will and my sis BOTH have those types of birthdays.