dunno a title in just testing

this weekend was pretty good.

Saturday me & will had a party to go to so on the heels of just getting paid I went hog wild with spending.

I haven't bought anything for myself in A WHILE.

So I bought 2 pairs of flats [to be fair, 2 of my 3 pairs of shoes that I wear all the time had holes around the pinky and were YEARS old, so I finally threw them out and got some new ones].

I bought a new dress and some slimmer type underwear that really work well.

All that was $113. I dunno if you consider 2 pairs of shoes, a dress, and a shaper for $113 a good deal. I guess I could have gone cheaper but I looked at the sales racks first and nothing wow'd me. And I'm not gonna spend $$ on something I don't love.

If you have me on FB the grey and black striped dress was THE new dress.

Anyway after the party, a friend of Will's came back to the house and we all hung out a bit. We had fun.

We didn't get to do the dirty on Saturday cause we had to get ready for the party kinda early so on Sunday he was really really amped to do it. But I was kinda hung over. Not like sick or even a headache - just TIRED. I got up at 7am and then napped from 10am - 12pm [I NEVER nap] and even after I woke up and I was just a pile of mush. No energy.

And I had to kinda politely push Will off more than once. And then he was doing that bullshit where he touches you certain places but acts like he touched it by accident. Not sexy. Pretty fucking annoying actually when he KNOWS I don't wanna do anything.

I mean I apologized but I wasn't in the mood. I can't just turn it on every cause he's gonna leave soon.

We pretty much only have sex on Saturdays cause that's when he's home. Get's kinda monotonous to never have sex any other day of the week and to have to squeeze it in around errands we might have or family obligations. And since we didn't get to Saturday he just assumed it was on for Sunday before he went to work.
Oh well. I'm not a machine.

And my period is coming so he might as work all weekend next weekend cause he ain't getting shit.

I felt myself then - and now - getting pissed off by his schedule. But it could be pms. I can't trust myself.

He got himself in a bit of a hole with his dentist appointment, his TV and my anniversary present.

So he basically HAS to work Sundays for his bill and to save for the cruise - and just everything. I know he has to work. He showed me his bills. I know he has to work Sundays.

But that means I HAVE to spend Sundays alone and HAVE to have sex ONLY on Saturdays.

What I wouldn't give for him to have a 9 - 5 job and for us to have dinner together on a regular basis and have sex on any other night than Saturday.

I'm alone much more than what is good for me.

AND another thing pissing me off - at the party on Saturday, more than one person asked me when we were going to have kids.

And then at work 2 people asked me... 2 unrelated convos. I mean, wtf.

So I told them all - I live in a 1 bedroom and can't afford to move anytime soon. If I had a baby now it would be a strain and a frustration - not a blessing like everyone likes to believe.

Sure babies are cute and I'm sure everyday wouldn't be hell but I can't even afford daycare and I HAVE to work. And I have no family to leave it with. Will's family is old and far and my family still works.

Plus I dunno if I wanna give up my lifestyle.

Lazing on my ass watching TV would be heavily interrupted by a crying baby.

Not to mention when the baby grows up and asks for things I can't afford. That'll make me happy I had a baby.

College? I can't afford groceries cause I bought 2 pairs of shoes.

I dunno how to turn it around.

My 'raise' ain't coming anytime soon and it ain't gonna be big.

I really like this job and I like the people but looking for something higher paying is in the back of my mind.

And I would tell them up front - I have to. But what if they replace me before I find a job. What if I never find a job and then am stuck with these people who know I'm trying to leave them.

It's hard.

Will has brought it up more than once - mostly in nasty arguments but he has a point. I've gone through waaaaaaay too much schooling to be paid so little.

But it's not their fault that the school isn't doing well and I accepted it. I was broken and unemployed at the time and I took their pay and I was happy to get it!

I finally paid of my credit card and now have the extra $$ to buy new shoes! Should I wait it out? Am I getting greedy?

I can't afford to be unemployed again.

I'd have to go from this job straight into something else and my luck with finding job is actually a really slow process.

I'm so.... torn.

money is like 33% of my problems.

I say my main problems are my flat out food addiction, money, and not having quality time with Will.

Right now the money problem seems to be the only thing I could possibly change.