I have often been tired, given up, thought and planned my suicide. I have multiple reasons, a heaping of delusions, and ample excuses to do it. I have tittered on that razors edge of the carefully planned, considerably well executed, or terribly erratic, rash, jump to kill myself more times than I can count. Of one thing I have always been certain since my youth. If I did it I was going to commit, there would be no stumbling upon me half dead and acquitting me of the crime.
Regardless in all my years no matter how close I have came; weapon in hand, or merely way out in sight I have not attempted suicide. I have waited, patiently, sometimes out of hope, many times duty, often guilt, and occasionally blind stubbornness.
Currently I am not planning to commit suicide, but in order to keep myself fighting I need a place to write. A place where I can say "I want to kill myself." and not feel shame, guilt, or any other horrible feeling because of it. Wanting to kill yourself at least in my experience is a painful enough conclusion.
"Wanting to kill oneself probably isn't the correct term. Obviously if I wanted to, really wanted to I'd be dead."
You'd think that wouldn't you? But we don't all ways do the things we want. Sometimes we want other things more, sometimes we realize our wants are selfish. I try to tell myself often suicide is selfish. I have many reasons to stay alive, and I do it's true.
That doesn't mean I don't have plenty of reasons for feeling the way I do, and if they weren't so numerous, so hard to unburden myself of, so stubborn, so self defeating, so tiring, painful, and heavy I wouldn't be here.
In this diary I have three books. One for books related to self help/suicide I am reading and any thoughts I feel important enough to write down. This one for daily entries, and one for letters to family members both dead and alive, letters filled with words I would leave as my last.
I don't want notes about how I should turn to Religion, or Just not do it. I don't want pleas, or trolls, and if you yourself are suicidal don't expect we are 100% identical. I am flawed; insanely, beautifully, horribly, flawed. Keep that in mind if you note me. Also keep in mind that I don't hold note conversations very often. I reply when I have something to say and that's that.
-Jane Doe
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