I hate it when my boyfriend tries to guess my weight. I've never actually told him, mostly because I'm absolutely ashamed of it. He has been completely underestimating every time, he's gone slowly from 180-280 in the last month. He's never seen a full body photo of me because I edit out anything below my breasts. I don't lie, he knows I'm heavy and that I'm working on it and he says that he doesn't care how much it is and that he will love me no matter what. He doesn't want me to lose weight because he wants me to be skinny, he wants me to lose weight so I can have a long life with him. That's what he says.
But he's just... so into fitness, into eating right and keeping his abs and running marathons that if I tell him I'm 350 lbs he'll be disgusted with me. Or think less of me as a person. 'How did she let herself get that bad?' I know that's what he'll think, because he thinks that if you're heavy you just don't care about yourself, that you're lazy and that it's super easy to lose weight and if you don't then you're weak. He's never said that directly to me, but that's what he says whenever the subject comes up.
I shouldn't care. I mean, I am losing weight, trying really hard and the number will always go down but... I just don't want to tell him yet. He was really close this time, he guessed 289 lbs, I mean, it's much closer than all of his other guesses but it's still 60 pounds off. But at the rate I am losing, I could be that weight in 10 weeks. I don't expect to be losing 6 pounds every week but I will be losing 4 if I keep up with my math but I should be dropping a considerable amount at the start since I have so much to lose. But 289 is a nice (much closer) number that at least he will still be attracted to me at that weight, I mean, he's obviously attracted to me at this weight but... I would feel better.
I'm not doing this for him, even though I'm sure reading this it sounds like I am. I truly think that he would be happy with me no matter what I weighed. But I wouldn't. I'm not happy, at least I wasn't. I'm a lot happier now, just simply working on it, having something to focus on, to have a goal, a meaning in my life. And this really does that for me. I just hope it's not another thing I give up. But the first few weeks are the hardest, and I've made it through. Should be smooth sailing from here.
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