How is this even possible? in OCD George

I am in love with Lou. I know I am. But I also know that I still love George. Whyyyyyyyyy? WTF is so great about him? I hate myself for loving him. I think I just keep diluting myself into thinking that he and I have this great love and that he is seriously regretting letting me go. I just keep sensing that. In reality though, It's probably just me projecting how I'm actually feeling.
Not to mention the fact that he is just all wrong for me. I am wrong for him. I think he would end up resenting me if we were together. He is so much younger than me. He likes to go out and do stuff. He wants certain things. I am very settled. I am perfectly content staying home most of the time. It would never work with us.
Why am I even trying to reason any of this? It's not even like we are ever going to be together again.
I could never do that to Lou. I keep worrying about Lou dumping me. When I think about that I just keep following it up with the thought that at least that way I could just go running back into Georges arms. I just don't want that though. It would be one thing if I were even special to him but I definitely am not. I don't want any part of that. All of those things about him that I once was willing to overlook would absolutely grate on my last nerve now. I could never go back to how things were. I will not do that. I would much rather just be on my own. I feel very strongly that if things don't work out with Lou, I am just not going to commit to anyone. I will just play the field and keep it to myself. I am not going to talk about any of it to anyone. I just want to have fun. Maybe I will play with George... maybe not. But I am done with relationships for now if things don't work out with Lou.