Ali and I talked about insecurities tonight...
I guess for someone who never seems to let anything bother him it was a little nice to hear him confess somethings that he was insecure about; even if they seemed extremely superficial to me. He doesn't like that he's 5'9 (even if he has abs), a little pale, wears glasses and has a large scar on his chest. Of course, none of that bothers me at all; I'm short, I'm pale, I wear glasses and I have tons of scars so all of it meant nothing to me but of course he wanted to know about what I was insecure about.
I could write a novel about the stuff that I am insecure about. Needless to say, he was obviously really sweet about it after I finally just said some generic stuff so he would quit asking me, not like he had much of a choice really.
I love him a lot but I really just don't understand why he loves me sometimes. The size difference bothers me a lot, he has abs and is attractive and fit and lovely and I'm... just not any of those things. I really don't deserve him and will never understand why he loves me or is interested in being with me. It's probably a lot easier since I'm not there and something he has to look at all the time.
I don't think he's lying when he says he loves me and wants to be with me. I just wonder if what he sees me as is not what I actually am or what he thinks that I am. I don't know what he imagines when we are together. Things would be so much easier if I could just read minds.
I don't know what it is but the last few days I just haven't really been feeling very good about myself. We had a really good talk the other day, talking about heavier women that he was attracted too and even showed me some porn involving heavier women he liked, trying to make me feel better about my own weight. I would have thought it had helped but for some reason it didn't. I know at this point it's coming down to my opinion of myself not being able to listen to him telling me he wants me but even though I know this fact I still can't.
I still have nightmares of walking off of the plane to him taking one look at me and just giving me the most disgusting look and walking off. Or worse; never getting onto the plane because we didn't make it the year before we can be together proper.
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