Really didn't have the greatest day today, it was filled with a lot of tears. Ali and I talked about a lot of hard subjects today.
Today was the first day that he said out loud that he wasn't sure if we were going to make it. Usually I'm the one saying things like that because I'm the pessimistic one of the two of us. But he said that most couples don't stay together longer than 10 years and statistics say that we won't either but that doesn't mean that we should try. I mean, I understand everything that he is saying and he is right. Couples don't last long in this day and age, especially the married ones and he isn't a fortune teller so he obviously can't see into the future and know what is in store for us. It just hurts to hear someone you love not be sure if you're going to make it; especially this soon into the relationship.
A lot of the things we had talked about earlier, very specifically, me moving to England, made a lot more sense then. He has a large family and friends network in England that he wants to keep in tact that I don't have at all. Even though getting accepted to schools would be easier, I'd make more money and we could have a bigger house/land here in the US he still wants to stay in the UK. Which is all completely reasonable for him, I'd never ask him to move to the US forever if it was something that he didn't want but I never knew that it was completely off the table.
To me; at least how it's been done in my family, is once you grow up you move out and make your own life or a life with someone else and you only visit once or twice a year. You're expected to make your own life once you move out and are ready to be on your own. Most of my cousins and Uncles live across the country and I never see them and it's considered to be completely normal. And like I said, I'm completely happy to move for him since I always planned on moving to the UK eventually anyway but it just seems like I'm the only one risking anything in this relationship where if something changes for us then he has a safety net and I don't. He'll have a country he's lived in his whole life and knows very well, he'll have the house he bought, the friends and his entire family so he'll get any kids we have since we'd want them to stay around their extended family and I'll just have me...
Just a scary image to sit and think about. We managed to talk everything out and ended on a happy note before he went out tonight with his friends but I guess I don't really feel like the air is clear yet but I don't want to bring it up again because there isn't really anything left to say on the subject that hasn't already been said. It's just kind of hard to talk about sensitive subjects with him sometimes because he tells me what I don't want to hear like a rational adult. I don't always want that; sometimes I just want a caring boyfriend who thinks about me and my feelings instead of a rational explanation as to what I should do/feel about a situation.
Also, pretty sure our eldest and last cat has cancer. Buddy has a rather large hard lump on his front leg on the inside of the limp and another small one on his back at the tail end of his spine. To be expected from a nearly 20 year old cat but he is my baby and it's going to be very hard to put him down soon.
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