I need in random rantings of self pity

I think that I need a good cry. I have nothing to cry about. I just feel like crying. I think it's ok to cry. I like doing it sometimes. What I mean is, when I watch emotional movies, and things like that. I don't want to be hurt for real. I just want to be aware of the fact that I can still feel. The blissful stage of starting a new medication is over. And I am still terrified that it's going to make my feelings all go away. I don't want that. I don't feel great, but at least it's not as bad as it was. So at least there's that. I lack motivation, and I'm still stressed as all hell. But I'm not disappointed to be alive, so that's good. I'm trying my best. I want to be brave and quick on my feet. I'm neither of those things. I would like to be decisive one day also. I think you have to be brave to be decisive. I think that they go hand in hand. I think that I will get used to being lonely eventually. I did it once before, I can do it again. As a matter of fact, the last time that I did it, I got to the point where I preferred to be alone. I would like to be like that again. It makes life so much easier. And then I don't have to try and make sure that people are worried about me. I don't like that. Especially when it seems they don't want to be bothered by me. And that's exactly what it is, I bother them. They tell me differently, but, I refuse to believe that. Loneliness doesn't have to be emptiness. It can turn to happiness in my opinion. I should just accept the fact that I'm alone and move on with my life. It's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. I seen it coming from miles and miles away. It's only going to get worse, so I might as well get used to it. This all makes so much sense as I type it out. Why would it take me years of thinking about it? I have wasted all these years of my life worrying. And for what? Only for me to wake up one day and realize that I've been wasting my fucking time? I'm going to get it together. I swear. I will make it all I think about. I am going to start new habits. I don't know how, but I need to. Even if it means waking up every morning and having this epiphany on my online diary every day. I'm going to get it, if I keep my mind to it. Even lies become believable if you tell them enough. I'm going to fix me. I pray that the doctor ups my dose, but I just don't think she will. And if she doesn't, I'm going to have to work very hard at this. I don't know why it's so hard this time around. Maybe I'm just a lot deeper than I ever was. I want to go fast. I want that rush. I need that rush. I need to "ride on" the Top Thrill this year. Oh how I need it so freaking bad. I just need to ride.