Trust & Intentions in Like No One Is Reading

It is going to take me some time to feel comfortable and safe again. I don’t believe that your intention is ever to harm me. I don’t think you dialed the phone today with the intention of… well, that.

However, from inside my mind, that felt intentional. It felt like you were wielding a weapon against me that I put in your hands my own self. I gave you all the tools, opened up to you in ways I’ve never opened up to anyone. You’ve read this journal and you are among all of 3 people I know in “real life” who has. You are the only person I’ve ever been romantically involved with to have access to this journal. You’ve heard my stories. You know what I’ve been through, all the ways I’ve been abused. And, today, you picked up the most dangerous of those weapons that I gave you willingly and you beat me with it.

You could have been reading from a script written for you by any of several other men from my past, and this wasn’t the first time. The other times this has happened between us, I reacted very differently than I did today. Those other times, I was triggered in exactly the same way, for exactly the same reason, but I hadn’t yet reached this point in my personal growth that I’m at today. I was so close after the massages, though. That was the first time I was able to see very clearly what was happening - because I’d been in therapy and on the right medications for a bit by that point. My mind was so much more clear then, more ordered, than it had ever been - but that didn’t stop the automatic internal mechanisms that force me to shut down, and that’s what I did. I completely dissociated once I realized that you weren’t going to discuss it any further, that I was never going to be allowed to have my say, that you weren’t interested in hearing about my experience at all. It was all about you, you, you.

I don’t know what triggered you about that experience, but it wasn’t me. It took me several months to figure that out, just so you know. Sometimes, when I’m inside my head this way and not talking to you about it, it’s because you put me there and then blew me off, didn’t want to talk about it anymore, just wanted to move on. You steamroll over my emotions once you feel like your own have been resolved. I’m not allowed to continue feeling the way I feel once you’ve decided it’s over and done with.

You also only bring up your own emotions when I bring up mine and then get angry at me for “making it about me” when I started the conversation and the topic was me. I have no idea what you’re going through, okay? You don’t talk to me about it. You don’t say, “Hey, this is what my mental health is like right now and this is why.” You wait until you’re having a meltdown to blame me for whatever it is you’re going through in your life outside of our relationship - because it’s. not. me. I am not hurting you. I do nothing but tell you how much I love you and respect you and admire you. I shower you with love and affection and kindness and you’ve somehow turned me into a monster in your mind. And, you know what? That’s fucking fine. You do you, man. But don’t you dare try to turn me into a monster in my own mind by accusing me of gaslighting you while you are actively gaslighting me.

I maybe have been dumb enough to be a victim for 30 fucking years, but I’m not an idiot. I have read extensively about abusers and their various methods of abuse, and today was textbook gaslighting and abuse. And it doesn’t matter an iota how much I love you or how much you love me, I don’t feel like I can trust you anymore to be a safe person for me to be open with about my mental state. I don’t feel like I can trust someone who infantilizes and gaslights me, even if they didn’t intend to do that.

I can’t handle another day like today. I can’t handle any more empty apologies. I would rather have no one at all in my life than one person who builds me up and tears me down over and over again. Because that’s what this feels like every time - you love me, you love me, you love me, I’m awesome-amazing-incredible-wonderful-all the things and then BAM you’re yelling at me, gaslighting me, belittling me, making me feel like I’m some sort of awful monster. You. YOU. Of all the people in the world, you’re doing that to me. I don’t want to believe that it’s intentional, but goddamn does it feel like it. I have internalized every good thing you’ve said to me for almost 3 years. It’s changed my life! And you know that! So what did you think would happen when you decide to tear me down? I internalized that, too, and I’ve spent far too long holding it inside me, believing it and not understanding how to reconcile it. Because you love me but you hate me and think I’m a horrible abusive person. Talking to you about my mental health is abusive. That’s what you’ve taught me. So I stopped. And now that I’m not talking about it as much, that’s abusive, too.

I can’t win here, do you see that? No matter what, I’m the asshole. Because women are always the asshole when men get their feelings hurt.

Okay, I’m getting really ragey now and I’m just going to stop.

The point is, I love you enough to let you go if that’s what I need to do to protect myself because I love myself more than I love you. That doesn’t mean I want to let you go, only that I will.

I accept your apology but I cannot just move on or get over this. It is going to take me some time. I absolutely still have space for you in my life, but I think we both need to think long and hard about what that space looks like and how we can occupy it together in a way that is healthy for both of us. I do not think this is broken. I hope it’s not. I’m willing to talk about it, but not if that looks like you talking and me listening and saying “Okay, sorry.” Because I didn’t do anything wrong, not today and not any other time that this has happened, and I’m done apologizing for and excusing the shitty behavior of men. If I can talk calmly and rationally about being literally insane, you should be able to talk calmly and rationally about goddamn anything. And if I’m just going to get talked over and talked down to, I’m not interested. Either we are equals or we aren’t. I do not need a daddy or a husband or any person to talk at me. I need to feel heard, understood, and respected. I told you before that this was me setting a boundary, that if I want your advice, I’ll ask for it. You have repeatedly violated this boundary because you’re angry at me for setting it. You need to look at why that is - the answer doesn’t lie with me.

Last updated February 03, 2022