Someone asked me today what I do in my downtime, what is the thing I enjoy doing?
Er… nothing. It’s been nothing for years. I crochet because it’s a habit, not a hobby. I don’t enjoy it or hate it, it’s just a thing to do. And I do it while getting drunk because I’m bored and also want to dissociate. Or.. now that I think about it… I’m already dissociated and want to feel the buzz but also not have to think or focus on a thing to achieve that.
I was at life drawing tonight, I’m the model, so I pose nude. Have done so for about 14 years now. While in the longer reclined poses I started to think about how I really should go back into therapy and probably find someone who specialises in substance abuse. Then I considered the pain it is to fill them in on my back story every time I get a new therapist. I decided maybe like a dot-point approach would be simpler. Sent in advance, so they have time to actually read it? My last therapist talked a lot about herself, and I appreciate the tactic she was using to try and relate and empathise.. but I was the one who had to keep bringing the subject back to the forefront. It seemed very easy for her to branch off into a tangent, and perhaps that was the methodology? To lead me somewhere where I could have an epiphany? I think I’ve already had the epiphany’s, I just need guidance on how to process this stuff.. I already know all the stuff. I know it’s there and needs to be dealt with.. I just need someone to give me strategies to do that.
Hrm.. I don’t know. Suppose I should do some research into local therapists who aren’t totally full in the books.
SP
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