Ian and I argued last night. We were watching a movie. He said something enormously triggering and I told him to fuck off. Then I said I think you need to leave. I was crying a lot and while watching him back his car out of the driveway… I couldn’t remember what had happened.
I messaged him “I’m sorry I was having a PTSD response. You can come back. I’m not mad.” I knew that much was true.
Ten minutes later he replies “It’s not your fault. It’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t respond properly to you.”
Then I asked him to please come back. But he didn’t answer, or come back, until 18 hours later.
I can’t remember what happened. My brain, just won’t. I know it was something he said, and that we were arguing about something, I think something about the movie we were watching, and his tone was getting more aggressive, and then he said something, and I said “fuck off, then”.
I’m scared to tell him I don’t remember, because that’s acknowledging the depth of trauma from my last relationship. And I don’t want him to have to re-live what happened to tell me.
I hope my new therapist calls me about that referral soon. This has scared me.
SP
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