Deja Vu in First entry

It’s funny how quickly things turn…so this woman I had started talking. It was amazing. Everything clicked. We had the same vision. The last 2 days I’ve received 2 messages. Yesterday, about 630, she said she just made dinner and was going to lay low and watch a movie, but didn’t message the rest of the night. I had asked what she made for dinner. Then I told her an hour later I missed her,, but I understood she had a long day and I would give her some quiet time. My last message for the night was a couple hours later I sent a mem I thought was relevant to us. It seemed within the realm of being normal. In my head I started to struggle because my ex had told me the exact same thing when she was in DC with her boyfriend, before I knew he was thing. Needless to say there is a sense of insecurity there.

I intentionally didn’t message her until about 430 this afternoon. I just told her I hope she is ok. She messaged about 630 and said she had been sleeping all all day and just got up to shower and eat. I just said I was glad she was OK and I hope she was feeling better. 30 minutes or so later I just said I’ll be around if you want to chat later. After a couple hours go by without her even checking the messages I decided to lay it out her and let her know that I was struggling and I do care about her. I was just confused because we used to talk pretty regularly. I feel it’s important that I can show my vulnerability and if it’s too much then so be it. I refuse to hide how I feel in a relationship ever again. I would hope she would do the same so we can talk it out.

I won’t message her again. I’ll leave the ball in her court, but I won’t accept being ghosted. That’s not right. I deserve someone that actually communicates with me. Hell, let me know so I’m not expecting you to call. Maybe she is withdrawing a little to assess how she feel. Again, just say I need space. Don’t tell me you miss me and an hour later cut contact. Especially when I’ve let you know how important communication is to me. Maybe its just my insecurities flaring up. In fact, I’m positive that’s it. But given my past and the fact I actually tried to be vulnerable and very real, it’s so hard. I realize I’m still somewhat fragile. If I found out she was talking to another guy I would genuinely be hurt. Only because we said we were going to be exclusive. I told her I really liked her and I was willing to give this a shot and work to develop it into something more serious and she said the same. I’m rambling now. It’s just taking everything I am not to be clingy. My head is running crazy, but I’m not sure if that’s ever going to stop? I didn’t recognize it. In a way, I blame myself for blindly just trusting her. I should have questioned more. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten as hurt. Maybe I would have saw it coming. Now I am looking for red flags. I’m trying to be very real and honest and still open myself for the possibility of finding something real. Right now I’m afraid. I’m afraid of my first let down. I really thought we had clicked. Why the hell can people just share what they want and be honest? How it is so hard to just communicate. A simple, hey I’m not feeling like talking tonight or hey I’m not ready fornthis type of relationship. I really hope there’s a legit reason behind everything and I’m not being led to another instance of being misled and left heart broken. I just want honesty. I want someone that is real. I’m still holding on to hope there are good women out there. I really hope she is one of them..only time will tell, I suppose.