I went to bed so angry yesterday in just testing

I guess it’s the ovulation thing. I hate blaming anything on that and admitting that I’m not in control of my emotions and feelings.

I don’t know if I’m really angry or if my hormones are making me angry. Usually they make me more sad that angry so I don’t even fucking know.

So anyway you already previously read about my Saturday sitting next to a writhing Will. A Harry Potter marathon was the only saving grace.

Sunday I got up early and hung out with Emma and the fam from maybe 830am to 230pm. I had a ton of crackers and cheese. Really bad but during ovulation week I let myself eat whatever. No guilt. Well, a little guilt.

Easter lunch was a Stouffers veggie white lasagna - which I LOVE. We did the egg hunt in the yard, played a few games. Emma got a lego set that took a while to put together but she was very happy with it. My sis did make a ham and desserts for dinner but I wasn’t there for it.

After 230pm I went back home to get Will. When I left, he was sleeping off his rough Saturday and I totally assumed that he’d still feel unwell and I’d drive us both to his parents house if he could handle it. But when I got home he was totally fine and ready to drive over to his parents so we did.

He said he had 2 burgers for lunch (I don’t know if they were real meat or veggie) while I was out at my parents. Everything he eats just worries me…

SO His parents DID get a new puppy. A lab/terrier mix that is very very mouthy. All this pup did was bite and sleep and bite and sleep. Kinda looks like the little rascals dog.

They really are trying to train her to not be so mouthy with people. She already has a ton of chew toys. I think they’re gonna enroll her in some training. She’s 10 months and I guess 15 lbs. They assume she’s gonna end up a 50lb dog. Not a mean bone in her body so she won’t be a guard dog. I never even heard her bark.

I thought that part of the reason that they got a dog so much bigger than their previous chihuahua is so my nephew could get out more walking it. My nephew has been gaining weight and they want him to get more exercise.

But they told me yesterday that their neighborhood is so bad that they can’t even walk their dog in public because someone might try to jump my nephew (if he was alone) for it or steal it from the yard if they followed him and found out where their dog lived. And with her being so sweet she’d end up a bait dog, not a fighting dog.

They had a dog stolen from their yard before but it was a fancy dog like a yorkie or something and they assume someone took it to sell it for $$. Can you imagine someone stealing your pet right out of your yard and you just never seeing it again?

It’s really crazy. So unless they take it to a park my nephew isn’t going to walk it.

Anyway, his mom made chicken with rice and asparagus and we both ate. We had fun hanging out with his family. Absolutely no issues until the drive home.

So then came the fight.

Basically while we were driving home, and he was fine - no pain - I was researching anal fissures like I sometimes do since he got this issue last month.

To recap - Will’s constipation and hard shards of poop left him with a small cut internally in the anus. Since the cut was small the doc prescribed him an external cream, which didn’t work, so the next step was the botox shot, with the last resort being surgery to close the cut.

I dunno if they glue it, stitch it, etc. I have not really researched the surgery.

The botox shot he had is to relax the anus muscles to encourage blood flow to heal the cut. All the spasms he’s having are the veins contracting and cutting off blood flow, therefore stopping healing.

What we know now, that we didn’t know when he first got the shot, is that the botox shot could take a month to fully build in the area to relax the anus muscles, stop the spasms, get blood flowing to the area.

He got the shot on 3/18 so it won’t be a full month till this Thursday. BUT I thought, even though this shot takes a month to fully work, I thought the issues he’s having would lessen over time. I don’t feel like the issues are lessening. I feel like the constipation and pain and rate of spasms are pretty much the same, if not worse since 3/18. So I feel like the botox shot isn’t working and EVENTUALLY he’s going to have to have surgery.

He won’t hear of the word surgery, he gets extremely defensive when you mention it. He’s in absolute fear of the doc having to go back down there to even examine him. He does NOT want to have this surgery.

So when I was doing my phone research in the car driving home I was reading about some people who said the botox shot didn’t work for them because even though their cut was small, it was DEEP and their doc didn’t pick up on that. A cut as deep as theirs was never going to heal with just a botox shot. They should have had the surgery to close the cut from the start. AND because they didn’t have the surgery from the start and waited a month (or more) they kept spasming until the veins basically closed off blood circulation to the area with the cut and the cut never healed and turned into an internal ulcer and got a bacterial infection due to the feces in the same area and eventually the surgery is the only thing that healed them.

Articles also talked about how just because that one cut was healed doesn’t mean it can’t happen over and over again without a change in the diet, basically eating healthier - more fiber (which adds bulk to stools and helps stool move along) and less fat (which slows digestion) and less salt (which makes your body suck up water from your intestines to combat the salt and therefore dries up stool making it sharper and harder to push through the body).

They also talked about EXERCISE and increasing your heat rate to increase the flow of NEW blood to your entire body to help heal anything you might have going on. I know he can’t do major exercise because he doesn’t want his butt to spasm but he could do an arm work out. They talked about how old people get sores from non movement that take a LONG time to heal due to their bodies being stagnant,

SO when I read all this I told him that sometimes doc’s over look how DEEP the cut is and suggest the botox shot to situations that needs the surgery from the start.

I told him that while surgery usually fixes the problem, the problem will come back without a change in diet.

I also told him that arm exercises are an option for him to get new blood flowing to his cut to help heal it.

Let me be clear - to you guys cause he never listens to me:
I AM NOT telling him to immediately go to the doc and ask for surgery.
I AM NOT saying that the botox never works and surgery is THE ONLY WAY he will heal.

What I was saying is IF he goes back to the doc this month and HE STILL HAS THE SPASMS and the doctor WILL NEED TO LOOK at the cut, to maybe ask him to double check how DEEP the cut is to see if botox is the solution or surgery.

I really didn’t get to explain anything fully to him because when I mentioned that he MAY need surgery he fucking flipped and said he was tired of everyone pushing him to get surgery before the botox had a month to do it’s job. He went on longer than that of course and I just said, I’m done - I’m not going to talk about it anymore. And just went silent the rest of the car ride.

And yes some tears fell in the car that he didn’t notice. He knew I was mad and held my hand and I just said it’s fine - I’m not mad.

That wasn’t true.

I was mad that I have to watch him writhe for hours and he won’t listen to me for 5 minutes about logical facts to his issue that I researched out of love because I care about him and want him to feel better.

I’m also mad that I’m an adult that is afraid to speak up to her husband because of how overboard he goes with situations. We can’t ever disagree. We either don’t talk about it or it’s world war that leads to me wanting a divorce.

I’m just mad about a bunch of things but I really did try - and am still trying to - just let it go.

It’s not my body, it’s not my pain, it’s not my choice.

But the hang up is it’s forced into my environment when him and me are home together and he is having his issues.

Which makes me want to up and leave the next time he has an issue because why should I be forced to experience his torment? I don’t deserve that. I shouldn’t have to feel and witness it.

Yes I’m his wife - through sickness and health and all that shit but it’s bordering on him hurting himself purposely because he’s not taking all the meds, or taking them correctly, or following the diet of his issue. Do I still have to stick by his side through sickness when he’s doing it to himself? If he was cutting himself or taking drugs I wouldn’t stand by him. What happens when the Percocet is gone and he has NO RELIEF.

I’m tired of being his punching bag when he doesn’t feel well. Especially when I partially blame him for his own pain.

Well fully blame him because the constipation issue he has has been a LONG term problem. Part of the reason I NEED a house with TWO bathrooms is because he’s always taking too much fucking time in there. HOURS!!!!!! And I’m practically peeing on myself waiting on him. And I can’t interrupt him or he gets pissed off.

And I’ve been telling him for a while that he needs to either eat more fiber or supplement with extra fiber to take care of the constipation issue. And have fiber powders and gummies that he doesn’t eat. And it doesn’t matter what I stock the house with, if he doesn’t want it he’ll let it rot.

EVEN I TAKE MIRALAX and I never had constipation issue before this surgery. But I can see how he got a cut with the boulders I was ending up with after surgery!!!

He doesn’t give a fuck.

AND NOW HIS bad eating has bought on constipation that has brought on this cut AND HE STILL won’t improve his diet!! And I’M the one that gets snapped at for HIS unhealthy habits.

We were supposed to have therapy this past Saturday and his spasms canceled it. We won’t be talking to her for another two weeks and I don’t even know if it’s worth it to bring it up, He’s not gonna change anything. IF he brings it up at all it will be to gain her sympathy. He doesn’t want any actual help.

SO ANYWAY I’m really going to try hard - from now on - to not think about his issue and IF he starts going through a spasm I’m going to try to leave. And I know that’s going to piss him off that I’m abandoning him but if the only other option is to get snapped at then I rather just stay out of his way. He is pushing me away.

I mean part of it is that he doesn’t like me there watching him while he’s in pain so if he wants to be alone - he’ll get to be alone. I just don’t care how he feels anymore because he doesn’t care at all how I feel.

I love him but sometimes I really really REALLY wonder if we’ll be together FOREVER. We’ve been together a long time but when I think about the fact that I have AT LEAST 25 more years to live (in an ideal world) and I wonder when enough it going to be enough? When am I going to snap? Is there going to come a moment when, as much as I don’t want to hurt him, I go through with separating from him? Or maybe when will he get tired of bashing heads with me? I just am not 100% sure we’re going to make it all that time.

Oh well, it’s fucking Monday.

_*__________________

Will just told me after he leaves to do the TSA early check in thing, when he comes back he’s going to have to poop. And I dread it. I dread it almost as much as him.

I’m wrestling with if I should tell him I’m leaving when he poops or just leave and finish work in my office and then maybe stay at my parents a while and just text him when I’m gone. We’ll prob take a walk together (me and my parents), which will kill time. I feel like just taking a TV dinner with me and just staying out till it’s my bed time.

I just don’t know if I’m making the right decision but I don’t want to sit through spasms ever again.