Busy Week! in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020
- Aug. 20, 2020, 12:23 p.m.
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- Public
If you had asked me on Sunday if this was going to be a busy week, I would have likely (in a rather Eeyore voice) said, “Probably not.”
Well, I would have been wrong!
Monday: Trip to Ames, saw family, miraculous experience with Victoria.
Tuesday: Nancy came over to see Nala and take a bookshelf, Roll20 Game
Wednesday: 1 Hour meeting w/Lawyer, fun 100% non-sexual evening with Victoria
Thursday: Whatever happens; Roll20 Game @ 7:00
Friday: 5:00- Phone call w/the head of Iowa Democrats
Saturday: Honestly… I will probably go to DM if I have to (depending on phone calls today) to remove Nancy from the bank account; Nancy is coming over to get her clothes (or I’m packing them for her); DDO or SWTOR that evening
Sunday: SO FAR no plans but… likely to change!
So yeah. Busy week!! And because it has been busy, I’ll admit… I could use a soak! I mean… I’ve been saying that for weeks now and still haven’t “forced” it into my schedule but… yeah.
Completely switching gears… I thought that, if Victoria had a good understanding of where I was coming from, she might… deal better with the look of appreciation. Important because it got to the point last night where she actually said, “Please stop smiling at me like that I don’t know how to handle it.” All I was doing was smiling but apparently something in the smile conveyed appreciation, warmth, and whatever else she may have been seeing. So I tried to help her understand that this isn’t just the look of a man who “hasn’t had much in awhile”. That ultimately, my entire sexual history has been very broken. The woman who tried to kill me who would tie me to a tree and say, “Either you let me suck you or I leave you here with your pants down tied to a tree!”. The woman who was quick to engage in sexual interactions provided there was no vaginal sex, she never orgasmed, and I never asked to date her because I was “genetically inferior.” Or the woman I married, who decided 24 sexual experiences in 9 years was acceptable. THAT is my sexual past. Hostile, assaultive, and terrifying. Insulting, passionate, and confusing. Or withholding. Take your pick. So… yeah. THAT is why there is a strong look of appreciation, wonder, and gratitude. Because ultimately so far? This is the healthiest relationship involving sexual contact I’ve ever been in. And when you consider that it is with a woman who is married, has a boyfriend, has a date tonight with a potentially new boyfriend, and is seeing me as a “Friend she’s attracted to and knows could use some company and sexual healing”..... that is a very complicated relationship to also be counted as “healthiest so far.”
Though honestly, last night was almost entirely just us talking. Things like how she and Remus trust me so much and feel safe, not just safe in “whatever this relationship is” but safe as in… “Victoria is doing a photo shoot with a new photographer; please be her escort” safe. It’s nice to know that… while, yeah, there are a lot of rules and boundaries and compartmentalizing that surrounds a majority of what is going on… at the heart of it all, it is very simple. I have a friend named Remus. I have a friend named Victoria. They are married. They have children. Their children love me. Their children love my dog. At the very heart of everything- that is what exists. And that is what I want. And need. OBVIOUSLY the idea that a woman like Victoria could be attracted to me is… a lot to take in. And obviously, she has expressed that she is very keen to know when my test results come back. And whatever happens there is… whatever happens. But whatever fruit this tree bears; it is good to know that there is a strong foundation. A solid root of friendship connecting it all. ESPECIALLY as I am not quite prepared to fork money over to a dating site. Nancy did within days of moving out; that’s fine, that’s on her. I’m just… especially* until I feel like I can go to a bar without it sounding like the most irresponsible thing I can do? I don’t see the value in spending the money. I mean… sure. Nancy wasn’t bound by COVID-19 restrictions nor seems to care enough about it to protect her boyfriend’s kids. That’s on her. I’m… a bit more cautious. So… yeah. For the foreseeable non-vaccine world… I think exploring a path of “sexual healing” with a very good friend may be.... safe.
After the long talk, we walked Nala. Victoria was telling me about how ANTIME someone pays for her ANYTHING she feels like they expect some kind of repayment. Whether that be “be nice to me” or “now I can tell you what to do” or something like that. Which I certainly told her that I could appreciate it; but that I would never expect ANYTHING from her if I paid for her anything. Like… if I hand you a check or a stack of cash, there may be negotiation on if I want you to pay me back. But if I’m paying for food? Or if I pick up the tab on some kind of outing? That isn’t me doing anything other than saying, “I would like to enjoy this experience with you.” But (and this is probably best for my benefit and to NOT allow me to continue being someone that is easily taken advantage of) Victoria is very specific about what I can and cannot do with my money in our friendship. And the general rule is: NO. No gifts, no paying for food, no paying for anything. But as we discussed money and how people see money differently… she asked me about the money perspective from someone WITH that. And I let her know that the hardest thing to realize is that everyone, everyone, needs to come up with a “minimum comfortable number” for themselves. The biggest problem in America, ESPECIALLY with the wealthy, is that the “minimum comfortable” for them is simply MORE. That’s why someone who has $196 BILLION can treat his workers like shit and desperately tries to wring as much money out of everything as possible (ethics and compassion be damned). Because he’ll only be financially “comfortable” with MORE. And more is never attainable. There is never ENOUGH when you always want MORE. So the only way to be satisfied is to create an attainable if difficult number and strive for that. Then when you get to that number. Take the time to feel accomplished, happy, take the time to appreciate it. THEN, after sufficiently appreciating that you hit your goal… re-assess to see if you need to modify your goal or if you can still be happy at the original number. If so, all the rest is “fun money for charity, gifts, friends, to be used without guilt.” For me? What is my number? It’s two fold. Either a specific salary or a specific number in my savings account. Either a salary of $88,000 or a steady bank account of $120,000. When I said those numbers, Victoria froze in the street. Just froze. As though wrapping her head around that was impossible. In truth? The salary range for my profession starting out (Iowa Prosecutor) is $60,000 to $95,000. SO… while I’m between $65 and $70 right now… 88 isn’t entirely out of reach. And… before I had to pay out on the divorce? I was about $40,000 away from my bank account number.
Then we discussed money. Because she is one of maybe FOUR PEOPLE TOTAL that I would have that discussion with in person that is NOT related to me. And… yeah! Celebrate different perspectives. She’s a natural cook. She’s a spectacular lover (so she says). She’s good at a lot of things. Because she was never in a position where money was easy. She’s never had more than $10,000 in the bank. Honestly?? I had $10,000 in the bank by the time I was 17. SO… very different worlds! And important to reign in my perspective on things. But… I’ll admit… it again ignites that fire in me to “Then let me pay for things!” I mean… I cut a $27,000 check this morning. Let me pay for your Chinese food! But no. She doesn’t want me to. She’s adamant. And… I can genuinely respect that. She’s really sticking to boundaries and agreements. We’re not a romantic couple; we’re not married; and she will not allow me to “express affection or gratitude through money”. It’s… going to be difficult for me… but I like it.
We ended the evening with a single doctor who episode. And… Victoria balled up resting against me, my arm around her, her head on my shoulder… I knew at that moment that I would sleep well that night. And I did sleep well. TOO well. When it came time to get up, I did not want to for the life of me!
But get up I did. Skipped the shower, skipped breakfast, drove to InTown Attorney, delivered the third highest check payment of my life, and drove to work. Victoria and her kids were going to take Nala to the Dog Park today and Victoria sent me the conversation she had with her daughter:
CHILD: is Chris gonna be with nala today?
VICTORIA: no He’s at work
CHILD: where does Chris work?
VICTORIA: he works in Eldora. He’s a lawyer. Do you know what a lawyer is Child
CHILD: yeah
VICTORIA: what’s a lawyer Child
CHILD: Chris
That little girl is damned adorable, lol.
Today’s morning was busy. Thursday morning so obvs. Hearings hearings hearings hearings, trial. Lunch. Phone Calls. E-Mails. Putting Out Fires. Meeting w/Another Attorney. Wasting time. Drive Home, walk the dog, clean the yard, Roll20.
You know what I REALLY need to do? Figure out food. Like not just figure out how to eat healthy and lose weight… but like what to buy, when, and how to cook it. Food, in general, is kind of a big blind spot for me!
Starhawk ⋅ August 20, 2020
It's good, though, that she's not looking to take advantage of your money. That she doesn't want to get used to you buying gifts or paying for meals and start taking it/you for granted. I like to think it means she really does like you for you and that makes me happy on your behalf.
So regarding food. I was very much a frozen pizza and Kraft dinner kind of guy until about a year ago. My SO started grad school + working fulltime and I took over all the cooking for the family. So in the last year I've had to learn lots about making home meals that aren't out of a box. I'm certainly not any kind of authority, but if you want some pointers and ideas, let me know.
Park Row Fallout Starhawk ⋅ August 20, 2020
Would definitely be interested.
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 20, 2020
Cool cool. So, what's your cooking like right now? I don't want to tell you a bunch of stuff you already know, but also don't want to start throwing recipes at you if you're genuinely a rank beginner.
What sort of stuff are you eating through the week right now? What do you like (or dislike)? What do you wish you knew how to cook? What sort of tools are you working with in terms of pots/pans/etc, and are you on gas or electric stovetop/oven?
Park Row Fallout Starhawk ⋅ August 20, 2020
My primary goals are (1) quick; (2) healthy; (3) uncomplicated. It drives Victoria mad, but mostly I've been doing Microwave Meals and Hamburger Helper. So... probably quick and uncomplicated but not healthy. And certainly not "cooking in any way" so says Victoria. :p I used to cook Slow Cooker Stuff and some actual cooking food but... when I'm just feeding myself, don't cook much. And if I don't cook, I don't buy much for cooking. So when Victoria came over yesterday and had an urge to cook, she was aghast at how barren my cupboards were, lol
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 20, 2020
Yup, getting away from the pre-processed food is important for your health. That stuff is convenient, but it's loaded up with sodium and other bad things.
I don't know what you've got in your kitchen, but it doesn't sound like a lot. So if I were moving into a completely bare place, I'd want to lay in some basics that aren't terribly perishable:
Things like flour, sugar, brown sugar can live in your cabinets for a real long time until you get around to using them. A pound apiece is not a bad way to start.
Same for dried goods like rice and pasta. I'd lay in a five-pound bag of white rice and a few one-pound boxes of pasta. Maybe some elbow noodles and some spaghetti for starters. (Beans are good too but are hard to cook from dried, so I'd buy those canned instead)
Potatoes will last in your pantry for a few weeks. Maybe not a purchase in your first wave - but they are easy to cook and eventually you'll want to have a few on hand.
If you have no spices or seasonings in your house, it's a good time to pick up a few basics, maybe not in high quantities. My picks: salt, black pepper, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, cayenne pepper or chili powder, basil, oregano, paprika, cumin, ginger. Possibly powdered onion and powdered garlic if you don't feel like trying to use fresh yet.
Eggs and cheese will both last in your fridge longer than you think. I'd want an 8oz block of cheddar and some American slices to start out with. A dozen eggs for just you. A pound of unsalted butter (you cook with this stuff).
A container of vegetable oil and/or olive oil to cook with as well. Preferably small amounts of each. These are the healthier oils and OK to use in moderation.
Next look at sauces and things that are stored in bottles and jars. Most of these are good for a couple of YEARS in your pantry and will be useful to get you cooking until you feel like making your own from scratch. Salad dressing, canned spaghetti sauce, salsa, whatever suits your fancy. Soy sauce, teriyaki, that sort of thing if you're interested in cooking Asian flavors.
Also some canned vegetables: green beans, peas, corn would be my minimum. I usually buy the No Salt Added variety and then season lightly while cooking - cuts down sodium intake.
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 20, 2020
So then you need to start thinking about what you want to actually COOK because there are perishables involved. Yeah you can live off potatoes and rice and canned pasta sauce if you want. But ideally it's time to buy a loaf of nice bread (keep it in the fridge), milk, some fresh veggies of your choice, and some meat of your choice. Maybe fresh fruit too if you'll eat it.
The idea being that during your weekly grocery trip, you buy these perishables that you'll need in the upcoming week, and replenish any of your non-perishable staples you've used up.
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 20, 2020
Sounds complicated but if you have the basics on hand, you'll pick a recipe and find out you have most of it in your house already.
Things I like to make that are stupid fast and simple:
Spinach salad. Buy a container of prewashed baby spinach - NOT the canned stuff, the salad-looking leaves. Throw some of it in a bowl. Grate a little cheddar on top. Throw on something crunchy like croutons or sunflower seeds, use dressing, eat. If you like other veggies like cucumbers or whatever, you can put them on too -- I keep it simple though.
Simplest spaghetti in the world. Boil noodles per directions on package. In a separate pot while that's going, heat up that canned sauce I told you to buy. Add a little basil/oregano/pepper to taste. Maybe some garlic powder or onion powder if you like. Drain cooked noodles, put sauce on top. For an added bonus, buy a pound of Italian sausage, brown it in a pan and THEN put the canned sauce on top, spice it, serve it. The sauce that doesn't go on your noodles keeps AMAZINGLY in the fridge. Later you can learn how to make sauces from scratch. This version is maybe 15-20 minutes, tops.
Buy some thin boneless pork chops. Sounds intimidating but it's dead simple. Get your pan heating up on the oven at medium to med-high heat. Trim off any visible fat, sprinkle the chops with salt, pepper, and whatever seasonings float your boat -- garlic, onion, thyme, all sorts of combinations work depending on what you like. (Later you can get into making fancy pan sauces) Anyway sprinkle both sides liberally with your chosen spices. Put a dribble of oil in the pan. Maybe a spoonful. Give it a minute to get hot. Put in the chops - they should sizzle a bit. LEAVE THEM ALONE. Don't touch them for, oh, 3-5 minutes or so. Then grab with tongs and flip. LEAVE THEM ALONE and let the other side cook. Your aim is to sear the outsides a bit (not black, just visibly cooked) and get the inside just cooked to temperature. If you overcook it, you get shoe leather. The first few times you do this, maybe cut open the chop to make sure it's cooked all the way through (not pink). You'll get a feel for it fast.
Chicken works similarly but the pieces can be a bit thicker - maybe a little more difficult to manage getting them cooked all the way through. Covering the pan with a lid helps the heat penetrate everywhere if you're concerned about it.
Baked potatoes you literally pierce holes in the tater with a fork, wrap it in foil, throw it in the oven and forget about for a while. Season with butter, pepper, salt, sour cream, cheese, whatever you like. Easy.
Anyways I can go on at length about breakfast food if you like that stuff... homemade sloppy joe... mac-and-cheese from scratch... baked ziti... tex-mex... Chinese stir fry... mashed potatoes... skillet potatoes... fancy chicken with mushroom and a cream-cheese garlic sauce... it all sounds intimidating but isn't actually that tough or time consuming in practice.
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 20, 2020
Now let's talk kitchen tools. I'm hoping you already have a lot of this stuff. If I were starting with nothing, I'd want the following:
A cookie sheet or two
A couple of nonstick pans, probably one big one and a medium-sized one
A NOT nonstick pan, stainless steel is a great choice for a new cook (I like my cast iron but those can be labor intensive)
A few pots of varying size - up to you if they are nonstick or stainless steel
A couple decent sized kitchen bowls for mixing things in
Some kitchen sized mixing spoons
Measuring cups and measuring spoons
A couple of spatulas
A pair of tongs
A really sharp fuckin knife, or two if you're so inclined
My own personal preference would also be for a garlic press, since I like using fresh garlic, and a grater to grate fresh cheese off a block (preferable to buying pre-shredded which is covered in literal sawdust to prevent caking), but you can live without those.
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 20, 2020
By the way in case you actually are buying kitchen tools afresh... get plastic or wooden spatulas and other such tools, at least to start. Metal ones are great but if you use them on non-stick / teflon pots/pans you will scratch the coating which ruins them. Don't use metal utensils of any kind in this stuff. I hope you knew that already.
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 20, 2020
If you can identify dishes/recipes that you're interested in, I might be able to point you at the cookbook or YouTube video that helped me get over the hump. I literally learned most of this stuff in the last year, so I know you can do it too.
Park Row Fallout Starhawk ⋅ August 21, 2020
Thank you! The fundamentals you recommended will come in handy!! I'll be hitting the store Saturday to pick some stuff up :)
Starhawk Park Row Fallout ⋅ August 21, 2020
I am looking forward to your success stories! :)
DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ August 20, 2020
I believe you have to have both signatures to remove either name from the account. BUT you could create your own account and move your money to it. Thats what my hubby did with his ex since she refused to sign her name off. He simply created another account and had his check redirected there.
DimMeOut DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ August 20, 2020
Good idea!
hippiechica15 ⋅ August 20, 2020
I like that Victoria is so insistent on drawing boundaries, that's good for you to learn!
This is how I taught myself to cook: I bought an all-encompassing cookbook, in my case "How to Cook Everything Vegetarian" by Mark Bittman (there is a regular How to Cook Everything version, too, for the omnivore) when I first moved out of my parents for good. I would look through this once a week, and pick around 3 recipes that had overlapping ingredients so I wasn't wasting money on extra rotting vegetables (I was living on a small stipend in NYC that was a MUST!!) Originally I would shop AND cook all in one night, but there would be no reason you couldn't shop one day and then cook one night. I still try to keep to this schedule. People think I cook all the time but it's maybe twice a week unless I'm being creative in the kitchen. I try to do the bulk of it on one night.
In short, find one comprehensive cook book that appeals to you, plan ahead with it, and plan out a block of time weekly to do it. I know, sounds easier than it is, but it is how I learned to love cooking. And there is no shame in fancy-ing up ramen noodles or boxed mac and cheese when you just can't wanna!!
Always Laughing ⋅ August 20, 2020
I'm glad you're finding some happiness amidst all the negative going on.